Ain’t Nothin’ But a Hound Dog

Round 3. Contestant 1A  of the 1st FAM Writing Tournament. Contestants volunteered and were paired and given a random topic to discuss. The authors can write on anything, including parodies. Then 5 judges reviewed the submissions based upon humor, creativity, grammar, and clarity with the chance to win bonus points. More rules can be found in the forums. This pair was given the topic:  Tiger Woods

Ain’t Nothin’ But a Hound Dog

By: MavAttack

Like Quagmire on “Family Guy”, Tiger Woods just could not keep his doog (an endearing term for the male wiener, according to dawgs) in his pants. Now, let’s be honest, folks, if you were in Tiger’s shoes, you would be inclined to struggle with gorgeous women throwing themselves at you each and every day. Just imagine being surrounded by models all day and being able to get the pick of the litter. Shit, I don’t want to “be like Mike”, I want to be like Tiger. After all, he is the man, the myth, and the legend for slaying mad poon tang in sports today.


It is my firm belief that Tiger’s downfall began right away at the tender age of 2, when he made his debut on “The Mike Douglas Show.” From then on, he would never be the same. At that moment, we all realized that God blessed Tiger with a golden shaft that would assist him in both his professional golf career and in his love life. Suddenly being thrusted into the limelight at a young, impressionable age can have everlasting effects that go all the way into adulthood.

The next thing you know, Tiger is crashing into a tree like Sonny Bono. Tiger proved to us on that day that one model (Elin Nordegren) is not enough to keep a man of his prowess down. I vividly remember seeing the unending clips of these happenings on BSPN, and I could not help but think that this was much alike a good, classy, hood rat, redneck episode of FAM’s favorite show… “Cops.” Although it never came out in full truth, I like to imagine the scene of Tiger’s then old lady, Elin, chasing Tiger down their affluent neighborhood driveway with a golf club to bash his manhood into smithereens. Rather, she ended up settling for a Cadillac Escalade window to take out her aggression on. Tiger can find solace in the fact that it was not him who was on the other end of that club.

Tiger’s rise and fall was a comical one, in my opinion. For people who feel bad for him, I cannot fathom why. The man is the living American dream for fuck sake. You won’t see me shedding any tears any time soon. Only Tiger could have something like this go down and then recover from it a couple years later and people act like it never even happened. He now happily bangs the stunning Olympian, Lindsey Vonn. But, I am sure that is not the only woman that he is “courting” these days. You sandbagging son of a bitch, Tiger, you sandbagging son of a bitch.


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