Top Americanized Foreign Foods

America is the world’s great melting pot, this is known. Not only do we take the world’s tired, poor huddled masses and make them red blooded Camaro driving Americans, we also take their food and deep fry it in freedom until it’s as American as a bald eagle drinking Bud heavy at a Civil War recreation.

The following is a list of strange foreign foods that have reached our shores only to be transformed into our most beloved eats. God Bless America

8. French Toast (France)

When the French introduced French Toast to the world it was as a humble way of disposing of stale and hardened bread. Dunk yesterdays baguette in some milk, serve with cheese and viola, magnifique. Not so fast Pierre, here in America our stale bread is fed to the hogs.  Throw out that baguette and instead dunk some Texas toast in milk AND egg. Fry on a skittle until crispy on the outside and it becomes a custard on the inside. Serve with powdered sugar, maple syrup and a side of chicken fried steak.

7. Chicken Tikka Masala (India/England)

chickenTikka_1456164cEveryone knows that the two worst cuisines in the world come from an unknown remote Polynesian island inhabited by cannibalistic natives without taste buds… and England. That’s why the Brits adopted the delicious curry infused Tikka Masala from their former colony India as their official dish. When Tikka Masal reached America we upped the curry factor and added premium meats. Sort of like what we did to cricket when we replaced the wickets and added human growth hormone.

6. Waffles (Belgium)

2012-08-01-roscoesBelgians and Americans share the same love for fried foods and breakfast beer. When the waffle crossed the Atlantic it didn’t take much for them to quickly become a morning staple in American homes. However, the waffles ultimate form is an All American concoction: Chicken and Waffles. Fo’ sheezy my neezy, pass the syrup and hot sauce.

5. Sushi (Japan)

oJapan is home to the oldest living population thanks to a diet of healthy food like sushi and boiled toads. But who wants to live forever eating thinly sliced raw flounder, amirte? While sushi is regarded as one of the worlds premier delicacies to the average American you better come correct with more than a measly slice of ahi tuna wrapped in seaweed. Let’s get some spam BBQ and bacon in that bad boy.

4. Chop Suey (China)

chop_suey_635x360pxNobody knows whats in chop suey, but who cares. Those first Chinese immigrants selling mystery stews to drunken California gold miners during the Gold Rush sure as hell didn’t care, and neither should you. Today chop suey is as intertwined in our national palate as heart disease is intertwined in the national cardiovascular system. Like apple pie with MSG.

3. Fries (Belgium)

friesBelgians are basically Americans that know how to hide crippling alcoholism more efficiently. They have been slicing potatoes and frying them for hundreds of years in an effort to cure hangovers or at least keep the shakes at bay. That’s why fries fit so seamlessly into American culture. Add cheese and/or chili or just throw some back along with a Triple Baconator and BOOM, purple mountains majesty.

2. Pizza (Italy)

perfect-pepperoni-pizza-sliceIt doesn’t feel right calling pizza “Italian food” anymore does it? Not when more lazy housewives; stoners; pathetic single dudes; and just about everyone else, ordered a piping hot pizza to their homes this past month, than have Italians in 10 years. When Italian immigrants first arrived the ‘Za was basically a flat piece of dough doused in olive oil, cheese and MAYBE tomato sauce. Since then Americans have piled more toppings on our beloved pizza than there are stars over our free country. Thin crust or deep dish? Don’t worry ’bout it, do your own thing cuz in the end it’s all our Cosa Nostra.

1. Burrito (Mexico)

TQQM62wListen here Mexico, Mexican food IS American food. Sorry amigos, your neighbor up north has not only hijacked your cuisine, we’ve pumped it full of fillings and toppings so outrageous it has Pancho Villa spinning in his grave. And if there is anything more AMERICAN than the burrito I would love to see it. But not all is lost compadres. Remember, our real heart and soul lies in our bellies. We love burritos, hence we love Mexican food, hence we love Mexico! Viva El Burrito! Viva USA!

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