Top 10 things to hit with a bat, other than baseballs



by Rick Wakefield

10 – Rabbits

I am the destroyer of worlds and herb gardens

If you can catch one, and I can (they called me Muck Wake in Basic), a nice Louisville slugger to the rabbit dome will save your garden. If you are a slow, unathletic blob, I recommend putting chloroform in your sprinkler system to make it easier. Either way, bat + rabbit skulls = profit.

9 – Jehovah’s Witnesses

“Make it quick pal, I have an transvestite escort scheduled to be here in an hour.”

They don’t trust modern medicine, so it’s always fun to watch them fight through a shattered kneecap without any sedatives. You refuse to salute Old Glory? Shame you refuse blood transfusions as well, because I strike for arteries when you show up past my gate. POSTED.

8 – Snakes

Back to hell with you, demon spawn.

As the saying goes, the only good snake is the one with it’s skull smashed into the dirt.

7 – Hipsters

I’d love to get my hands on a Bohemian Slugger and gauge this guys face to match his ears.

See how fast they can run with their pants around their thighs after you knock their coffee out of their hands with a bat. It’s not fast, as their effeminate shoes give them blisters. You know what is really different and unique?  Cranial bleeding.

6 – Nazis

We’ve hunted Nazis from Nuremberg to Buenos Aires, I’m not afraid to go to South Korea.

They may not wear uniforms anymore, but Nazis are still out there.  It’s actually legal in most states to murder a Nazi as long as you use a blunt object. I’ve notched 13 scalps since ’75.

5 – Hippies

How do these people live that long?

These worthless assholes should all be fed to mountain lions. Their women don’t even shave their pits for Pete’s sake. Camp on my property during “PardeeFeyst” again? Have you ever heard of four-wheeler free-swinging? It’s like jousting on a four-wheeler, but wielding a bat, and you are cowering under your poncho.

4 – Pit bulls

Pit bulls are like a Taco Bell XXL Grilled Stuffed burrito: They seem like a good idea until your lower intestine is hanging out of a bloody orifice.

These little baby-eaters should all be put down. Go ahead and make a better world: Hit a pit bull with a bat next time you see one.

3 – Pit bull owners

I don’t care what you think Andy Dick, that beast is dangerous.

All pit bull owners have at least one pair of carpenter jeans in their closet and own, or have owned, a Pontiac.  They need to be put down to the ground under the pings of an aluminum bat.

2 – Kanye West

Everyone has had a finger in the booty Kanye, OWN IT.

Not because he is black, but because he is an asshole. He can rap music about another broken face.

1 – Kim Jong Un

This guy has enough cheek and goiter skin to keep a burn ward in business for a year.

Need I explain? Okay I will.  He’s the Lone Wolf of Communism right now, dumb as shit, angry due to what is likely TPS (Tiny Penis Syndrome), and wielding missiles and other high-explosives aimed at our boys. He needs to be ended, now. I’d do it with a 40 ounce Louisville Slugger, if it wasn’t for my hatred of all Asians under 5’3″. I do not function well in the airports of the Far East.