Top 10 Super Bowl Eats

10) Party Sized Sub Sandwich

Simple, but proven and effective.  Whether you go peasant style with Subway or Jimmy Johns’s or kick it up a notch with your own recipe, nobody should complain about this menu item unless they have a problem with big meaty phallus shaped sandwiches.

9) Chips and Salsa

Some may balk at putting the king of snacks so far down the list but c’mon folks, this is the Super Bowl! Sure you can go out and buy some chips and salsa, maybe even venture to the Mexican grocery store that sells Spongebob Squarepants pinatas but try frying up some chips and making fresh salsa yourself. A couple more executive orders and you might not have a choice.

8) Jalapeno Poppers

This relative newcomer to the Super Bowl snack scene is the ultimate combination of scorching hot and creamy cool. Just remember that while the cool and soothing cream cheese perfectly offsets the fire from the jalapeno in your mouth, your colon is an entirely different matter.

7) Potato Chips and French Onion Dip

This snack combo is also sometimes called the “I’m either buying drugs or I’m buying snacks. Wait, I can do both!” combo. Basically if you can get to a gas station you can munch on a respectable snack like this and still have enough money to buy dank herb to enjoy the big game.

6) Soft Pretzels and Beer Cheese Dip

If you’re worried about carbs then this snack isn’t for you. Actually if you’re worried about carbs then the Super Bowl or football isn’t for you. You know what? Get the hell off my lawn you non carb eating son of a bitch!

5) Pizza

Getting a pizza delivered on Super Bowl Sunday is like picking up a drunk chick at closing time, you have to plan hours in advance or you’re going home to a frozen pie and your palm. Get your shit together, don’t get caught pizza-less for the big game.

4) Loaded Potato Skins

Lets face it, the most boring way to prepare the mighty potato is by throwing it in an oven and calling it dinner. The loaded potato skin is everything baked potatoes should be and much more. Bacon, chorizo, sour cream, nacho cheese, the possibilities are endless. Sorry baked potato, hit the road you flavorless spud.

3) Sliders

You could go with regular sized burgers but Super Bowl Sunday is about the game. While you’re busy cheering, pounding beers and drunkenly fist fighting other party goers you wont have time to cram half a pound of ground beef with all the fixins into your face hole. That’s where sliders come in.

2) Velveeta Queso Dip

Legendary former heavyweight champion Dusty “The American Dream” Rhodes used to say “Times are hard!”. Well times are still hard, and cheese is expensive. Velveeta might not actually be cheese but dammit it’s what we have. And if you don’t finish the entire slab it will still be good for next years Super Bowl.

1) Wings

Not debatable.  Spicy buffalo, BBQ, Thai, garlic parm, doused in diesel fuel: The wing is the king of Super Bowl Sunday. Throw in a side of blue cheese or ranch and, for appearances, a few celery sticks and you’ll be experiencing everything that makes this country great. (Just don’t get the breaded boneless wings. We’re not toddlers after all, we’re adult alcoholics.)

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