Top 10 Holiday Movies For Dudes

10. Gremlins

mogwaiWhat’s not to love about a little creature bought in a back alley in Chinatown, that comes with a set of rules that have to be followed. Keep it away from bright light, never get it wet, and most importantly, never ever feed him after midnight. It’s basically the same rules we have for my uncle Jim, if you add to it never let him call his bookie drunk. Obviously all of the rules are broken by the lead actor and the result is a bunch of green little monsters terrorizing a small town on Christmas. The movie easily could have cracked the top 5 if Phoebe Cates would have showed her tits. One last thing, if you didn’t have a Gizmo Trapper Keeper or lunch box in 1985, you were either poor or were a pathetic loser.

 

9. Trading Place

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It’s hard to remember sometimes that Eddie Murphy used to be the funniest man on the planet. How he went from making movies likeTrading Places to Norbit, I’ll never understand. This was Eddie at his best. He plays a street smart con artist Billy Ray Valentine, a he was born to play. Dan Akroyd plays Winthrope, a stuck-up Wall Street investor who ends up trading places with Billy Ray on a bet made by the Duke brothers. The Duke brothers wanted to see if heredity or a persons environment played a bigger role in success. Billy Ray becomes a huge success and Wintrope spirals out of control until he and Billy Ray team up to turn the tables on Dukes. Hilarity ensues. I originally didn’t have Trading Places making my top 10, then I remembered Jamie Lee Curtis showed her tits and had to put them back in. I don’t care who you are, you have to admit that Curtis has an amazing set of tits, even if she was born with a dick.

 

8. Elf

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Will Ferrell plays Buddy the Elf, a human orphan who was raised by Santa and his elves at the North Pole. Buddy then leaves the North Pole in search of his biological father, Walter Hobbs, played by James Caan. The search leads Buddy to the Big Apple. It’s nice to see Ferrell actually not play the exact same character he plays in every other one of his movies. He pulls it off perfectly as the naïve loving elf buddy and it’s a really fun movie for all ages. The best line: “This place reminds me of Santa’s Workshop! Except it smells like mushrooms and everyone looks like they want to hurt me.”

 

7. How the Grinch Stole Christmas

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This is the original 1966 animated version, not the over the top shitshow starring Jim Carrey. My god did he managed to butcher an absolute classic with his overacting. I couldn’t even tell you how old I was the first time I saw the movie, but I can say I’ve watched it every year since during the holidays. They just did a masterful job capturing what Dr. Suess was trying to create with the story of a grumpy old hermit who tries to steal Christmas from the Whos of Whoville. It’s my favorite of the classic animated holiday movies by far.

 

6. Bad Santa

badsantaBilly Bob Thornton’s Willie T. Stokes is probably my favorite character in any of the movies on this list. Willie is a fall down drunk safe cracker with an affinity for larger women, who poses as a mall Santa along with his partner Rob, a midget who plays the elf. They work at the mall in order to rob the department stores at the end of the holiday season, that is if Willie doesn’t screw up by then. John Ritter, RIP, plays the mall manager and Bernie Mac, RIP, is the head of mall security. Willy ends up moving in with some kid and his grandma. Billy Bob makes the movie though and like he says “I’m an eating, drinking, shitting, fucking Santy Claus.” Here is one of my favorite exchanges from the movie.

 

Kid: Santa!

Willie: Yeah.

Kid: You’re bringing my present early?

Willie: No

Kid: But I never told you what I wanted.

Willie: I said I didn’t bring it, dipshit.

5. Die Hard

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Oh you didn’t think Die Hard was a holiday movie? Well think again, it takes place during the Nakatomi Companies christmas party. Also, don’t forget when Bruce Willis kills one of the German terrorists, he puts a santa hat on him and writes HO HO HO on his shirt. It also gave us the classic line delivered perfectly by Hans Gruber, “Now I have a machine gun. Ho ho ho.” It just doesn’t get any better then that. They don’t make action movies like the original Die Hard anymore. You can’t replicate it now matter how many sequels you make. John McClane is “Just the fly in the ointment, Hans. The monkey in the wrench. The pain in the ass.” If you don’t like Die Hard, they you are missing a chromosome and should be slapped in the face. Yippee-ki-yay.

 

4. Home Alone

home-aloneIt’s crazy to think that Macaulay Culkin peaked as an actor at the age of 10, but that’s exactly what happened when he starred in John Hughes classic Home Alone. Culkin plays Kevin McCallister, an 8-year-old boy who is mistakenly left behind when his family flies to Paris for Christmas vacation. He is left to fend for himself and protect his house from burglars Harry and Marv, played by Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern. It is the highest grossing comedy movie worldwide and is considered a Christmas classic in countries all over the world. I think after seeing this movie every kid actually hoped to be put in a situation like this, not realizing that trying to defeat burglars with swinging paint cans and your brother’s pet tarantula would likely get you killed. I recently watched it and forgot how good of a movie it actually is and what a great job Culkin did.

 

3. Planes, Trains & Automobiles

Another comedy classic from John Hughes. Although this story is about getting home for Thanksgiving, not Christmas, it’s still holiday themed. It is absolutely perfectly cast with Steve Martin as Neil Page, the straight laced advertising executive and John Candy as Del Griffith, a traveling shower curtain rings salesman. The movie wouldn’t have worked if it were any other two actors playing those parts because they play off each other perfectly. The movie is about two men trying to get home for the holidays and having to battle every obstacle that any traveler has ever endured. Fate brings them together and the only thing worse then the traveling is having to share each others company. It’s one of the most underrated comedies of all time, and every time I watch it, I’m reminded of how funny it is. There are so many classic moments in this movie, but I think my favorite is when Neil goes off on the rental car agent about his car… or this little exchange when they woke up after spending the night in a hotel room that only had one bed.

Neal: Del… Why did you kiss my ear?

Del: Why are you holding my hand?

Neal: [frowns] Where’s your other hand?

Del: Between two pillows…

Neal: Those aren’t pillows!

2. Christmas Vacation

Maybe the most quotable movie of all-time, I find myself quoting parts of this movie on a daily basis. It’s the basic premise for all of the vacation movies, with Clark, his wife Ellen, and their two kids trying to have a perfect family Christmas. I truly think this is the funniest of all of the vacation movies and I absolutely love the original. Cousin Eddie puts it over the top for me. He literally steals every scene he is in and his back and forth with Clark actually makes Chevy Chase seem funny again for the first time in 15 years. If you don’t think this movie is funny then you are probably the type of person that complains about a blowjob. I was trying to think of my favorite quote from the movie to put in this article but there isn’t just one out there, so here are a couple of my favorite back and forth exchanges between Eddie and Clark.

Eddie: You surprised to see us, Clark?

Clark: Oh, Eddie… If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn’t be more surprised than I am now.

Clark: [Finally revealing his Christmas Bonus] It’s a membership to the Jelly of the Month Club.

Eddie: [Overwhelmed, almost choking on his eggnog] Clark, that’s the gift that keeps on giving throughout the entire year.

Eddie: Don’t go puttin’ none of that stuff on my sled, Clark. You know that metal plate in my head? I had to have it replaced, cause every time Catherine revved up the microwave I’d piss my pants and forget who I was for a half hour or so. So over at the VA they had to replace it with plastic. It ain’t as strong so I don’t know if I should go sailin down no hill with nothing between the ground and my brains but a piece of government plastic.

Clark: You really think it matters, Eddie?

1. A Christmas Story

a_christmas_storyI don’t know anyone who can’t relate to this movie in some way, whether you relate to the father, Ralph, the little brother, or the mom. The movie stands the test of time. It will always resonate with you and it’s so re-watchable that they play it on a 24/7 loop on stations over the holidays and I’ve never heard anyone complain about it. I mean what kid didn’t want an official Red Ryder, carbine action, two-hundred shot range model air rifle? It may not be as laugh out loud funny as Christmas Vacation but it’s still a better movie. I don’t think that I’ve ever seen a box that says Fragile on the side of it and not pointed to it and said “Fra-gee-lay. That must be Italian.”, in 20 years.. I think that says it all.

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