The Rehash: May 3

 “News” and trends for the indifferent. We hardly care, but we kinda do.

Cruz makes last stand in the land of Chitwood and drunken leprechauns

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“Please vote for me, I don’t have anywhere else to go.”

If desperation had an odor you could smell Ted Cruz if he was standing on one end of Notre Dame Stadium and you where standing on Touchdown Jesus’s head. Less than a week since his Fiorina hail mary that ended in an embarrassing defeat all along the Atlantic coast, Cruz’s only hope to reach the RNC and force Trumpo Supreme into a contested primary is to pull out a miracle win in the Hoosier state. Can Cruz pull out a Hickory High level upset over Trump or will the beady eyed Cuban-Canadian sink a last second trey and force the surging billionaire into the convention? Hard to say but remember, “the sun don’t shine on the same dog’s ass everyday, but, mister you ain’t seen a ray of light since you got here.” Sounds like Cruz’s ass is due for some sunshine, coach.

Piss off big four, Leicester City wins EPL

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Congrats to the Foxes, their fans and owner Vichai Srivaddhanaprabhababdhvupighumadazibovaba

I’ve been often asked, “What’s the American equivalent of Leicester City winning a title in one of Europe’s best soccer league?” Well first of all, there is no real equivalent you uneducated wanker. In the US we have no sports that use the relegation model. That means that teams can tank seasons and owners can decide to use franchises as personal piggy banks until the NBA is forced to make you sell your team to a computer nerd for derogatory remarks you made against African Americans to your hideous young girlfriend all without fear of relegation. But if we had to give an equivalent it would be like Georgia Southern joining the SEC and two years later winning a National Championship. Bloody hell!

Welp, looks like Radiohead is still a thing

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Radiohead front man Thom Yorke as he slowly metamorphoses into Tom Petty.

After seemingly dropping off the face of the Earth, Radiohead has reappeared on social media with the release of a single titled “Burn the Witch”. Radiohead, known for it’s self defacing single “Creep” as well as carrying the Weird Looking British Band That Has More Talent In One Snaggle Tooth Than Ten Dave Grohls torch, looks to make a dent in an industry inundated with teeny bop Taylor Swift pop, bro country and whatever it is that Drake does. Here’s hoping the boys from Radiohead bring some substance to the radi…..er….PC?

 

How To Introduce Your Girlfriend To Beer

“First beer, next video games and finally drunken fights while attending college football games. We’re gonna be so happy!”

Have you ever looked at one of your fat sloppy alcoholic buddies and thought, “I wish my girlfriend was just like this.” Well look no further, Firstandmonday.com has just the ticket to turn your lovely lady into the drunk fart machine you so desire.

How To Introduce Your Girlfriend To Beer

By Paul Markgraf

 

Don’t forget to vote Indiana!

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Bruce Harris 2016: Because The Alternative Is Work

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