We at FAM all love or have loved a great video game in our times, spanning from the earliest platforms to the newest-of-the-new series in modern gaming. We also love a good list. Thus we’ve put on our Cheetos-crusted gamer’s hat and compiled FAM’s list of the Baddest Video Game Bad Guys.
Bowser – He’s the OG of the video game bad guys, the DotFather of pixelated nemeses. He’s also in theory, not representation, a really bad-ass fire-breathing behemoth with cognitive reasoning skills and a prodigious wanker. He might be really easy to kill with a formulated approach, but he spits hot fire and has a resume of like a billion fried minds. King Koopa, A.K.A. Bowser Koopa, A.K.A OG Koopa, is suspect #1 for us on this list.
Mike Tyson – We are just assuming the Punch Out video game version of Bitin’ Mike is as dangerous as the real-life facial tattooed version. Trained fighting machine? Check. Rapist? Check. Psychopathic tendencies and human cannibalism? Check. Yep, he’s a bad, bad man, more stab you with a glass bottle than Joe Glass.
Whoever Chose Odd Job – Now we are not sure if the short but lethal hat aficionado was programmically harder to kill, or if his diminutive stature just threw off your inferior aiming abilities, but he was the most feared adversary in Nintendo’s multiplayer breakthrough success Goldeneye. A small angry Asian man with a rocket launcher is reason to fear himself alone.
Bo Jackson – In Tecmo Super Bowl, offense wasn’t hard to come by, but Bo Jackson’s pixelated image ran roughshod over opposing defenses like any other player in the game. You could have LT all lined up and ready, and Bo would score. It didn’t matter, and it was embarrassing. Kids cried “No Bo” for a reason, and for that he makes our list. Amazing what happens sans freak injury…
The 13-Year Old Threatening to Kill Your Family over Multiplayer – Whether it’s having just a single mom, a case of affluenza, or they are just beginning their slow progression to killing small mammals, the kid playing [insert COD Tttle] and saying he’s going to kill your grandma and kids is honestly likely to do so. He’s not loved enough, already jaded, and set in a life of eerie social interactions and manifesto writing. Laugh it off for now, but know he’s cutting himself later in a socio- and psychopathic anger ritual.
Ganon – Like Bowser, he’s a member of the Nintendo Antagonist Mt. Rushmore. Yet he takes the bad guy thing to another level. He’s not a reptile, nor human, he’s the ultimate embodiment of pure evil and mindless hatred. That alone says enough to warrant a mention among the Baddest of the Bad. He’s spawned enough shit for Link to work his way across platforms in an uber-successful Zelda series.
The Red Ring Of Death – The Baddest of the Baddest of the Worst. Sorry Stanley Stoner, time to sell a kidney for a new system. Like the Eye of Sauron, the burning evil within the red silhouette against sadness is enough to cripple the weak minded. It’s spawned endless pleas for help on the Internet in a red-eyes trail of e-tears. Jokes on you gamer, pwned.
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