Terrible Secrets Learned From FIFA Officials

Now that the US has extradited several corrupt FIFA officials we can use our mighty water boarding techniques to get to the bottom of the sleazy soccer underworld. So what have we learned so far after nearly 24 hours of pouring water into foreigners mouths? Well, it’s not pretty.


Ronaldo’s real name – The Portuguese ace changed his name to the more soccer friendly Ronaldo early in his career. He was originally Barkavious Mingo Da Silva


Uruguay isn’t a real country. – Turns out the South American country is actually a part of Argentina called Gauchoguay.


Game officials are all trained mimes – Since the games are fixed all refs require special creepy training to really sell the calls.


The Democratic People’s Republic of North Korea secretly owns Manchester United – The Dear Leader Kim Jong-Un purchased the Red Devils from the Glazers years ago and his son Fatty Fudpucker still manages all aspects of the organization from his palace in Pyongyang.


Maradona’s entire career drug tests results –  El Diego never touched the nose candy, he was just high on futbol. And crystal meth, lots of crystal meth.


Pele is an animatronic puppet – O Rei left us long ago but FIFA could not afford to lose his credibility. He has been reborn as a soccer and sandwich promoting machine.


FIFA rigged USMNT vs Ghana in every World Cup – FIFA loves to troll America


Jose Mourinho killed a guy – Guy is just too good so FIFA helped cover it up, gave Mou a lollipop and sent him on his way.


Sepp Blatter is really greedy – We’re talking Mr Burns greedy.