J5’S TOP 5 PLACES TO DEUCE WHILE ON THE ROAD
#5 – Truck stops –
Hear me out. This sounds worse than it is and I don’t mean gas stations where you have to ask for a key. Nor do I mean the little shit-hole truck stops. I mean big truck stops like Pilot/Flying J, TA, Love’s, etc. I lean toward Pilot Travel Centers myself. They’re franchised so they probably vary a bit but generally the bathrooms are nicer than you would expect. They are cleaned regularly and they at least have seat covers for us nesters. There’s also some regional chains (QT, Gate) that are fairly nice. Obviously not high on my list but if you’re turtle-heading and also need gas and munchies it’s a one-stop shop. And they’re everywhere and always right off the interstate so if time is of the essence this is your best bet.
#4 – Higher-end Chain Restaurants –
Think Seasons 52, Capital Grille, Maggiano’s, etc. Bathrooms are usually nice and you’re probably in a decent part of town. Disadvantage is that they’re used frequently so there could be a line during busy times or you could be saddled up next to some fatty blowing ass after eating an entire plate of stuffed mushrooms. Pro-tip: park in the spot reserved for carry-out.
#3 – Department Stores –
They’re generally not off the interstate but sometimes they are there when you need them. I’m talking at least Target level and up. Disadvantage here can be the parking and malls suck. But my thinking is that department store bathrooms aren’t used very often and the nicer ones are probably on a cleaning schedule.
#2 – Decent grocery stores –
Publix, Wegmans, Harris Teeter, etc. Similar advantages and disadvantages as department stores but generally more convenient and they are definitely on a cleaning schedule. If the restroom is hidden in the back, that can be a long walk if you’re clenching your ass cheeks to keep from pouring mud down your legs in the middle of the cereal aisle. But it’s a perfect stop if you need refreshments, which is what ultimately pushes them to #2. Whole Foods is the holy grail here but they’re generally not accessible on a road trip.
#1 – Mid-tier hotel lobbies –
Hampton Inn, Fairfield Inn, Doubletree, etc. Easy pick. Hamptons are my go-to. I grab a USA Today on the way in and a cup of coffee on the way out. You might catch a look from the staff but be cool, smile and say hello. And ultimately what’s the worst they can do? The bathrooms in the lobby are rarely used so they’re clean and they’re usually pretty nice, unless you see some blonde with legs that won’t quit who’s on her first trip with her boyfriend and is ashamed to grow a tail up in their room exit before you enter. Otherwise, think about it, if you’re staying at a hotel and you have to drop trou you’re doing it in your room, and the employees probably have their own. If you’re at a Hampton in the morning and feeling extra ballsy you can sit down and enjoy a plate of biscuits and gravy. I personally feel like this is overstaying your welcome, but it’s been done before.
Places to avoid…
Gas stations – usually disgusting and someone probably just had sex in it
Fast food restaurants – see above
Bars – see above + vomit
Parks – see above + needles
Rest areas – see above + rape
Walmart – would rather shit my pants