Questions for Bartender Bett

BettRantAs a professional life experienced renaissance man…. I have seen the peaks and have taken shots off some of the hottest strippers in Las Vegas, and I have seen the valleys after a couple failed marriages, losing my entire savings on a black jack table, or simply being an alcoholic that keeps falling off that bumpy ass wagon (seriously someone please check the front end because it’s time for an alignment).  Anyway I am here for you.

Dear Mr. Bett,

If you could be any animal what would you be?  Id be a LONG HORN!  HOOK EM BABY!!!!
Samuel 18yr, Austin , TX

Well Samuel, I sure as shit wouldn’t be a fatass longhorn, seriously y’all are an embarrassment. I feel bad for little kids in Texas.  Actually if you don’t mind go ahead and longhorn steer their ass towards being an SEC fan or something respectable.  Christ, Samuel, get off the computer and go try out for that disgrace of a program, I can already tell by the using of capitalization you’ve got the ‘IT’ factor.  Anyway, to answer your question and assuming my dog is out of the question, because taking one 23 hr nap a day and being fed grill cheeses is certainly tempting, I would have to go with a kangaroo.   Not only are they naturally blessed with the art of boxing, but apparently, kangaroo women have 2 vaginas, which in theory would eliminate the “I have a headache” excuse.  I am not a kangaroo gynecologist  but I would imagine they’d think up another stupid issue…..  “my pouch is so itchy today baby, cant we just watch ‘Housewives of the Sahara’….”.  FM-Kangaroo-L.


sup brah.
im in college and am broke. how to I drink cheap w/out actually looking cheap. thanks dude.

ross, 23, auburn, al

Well I assume with you being from Auburn, you now think either: a beer is suddenly going to land in your hands as you’re drunkenly walking the wrong direction to the bathroom and/or with 1 second prior to closing time, some idiot that has no business being in the bar is going to suddenly buy every patron in the bar their own Jager bottle and case of Redbull. Well, Ross, in the real world during college you DRINK CHEAP ASS BEER! And order to buy it you either… get a job, hide in a bush next to Chick-Fil-a and run out and pick up change when people drop it, go to your buddy’s house and drink his beer. All of the aforementioned examples should be included in everyone’s college experience. Go NOLES.


BETT! PLEASE HELP!

Im an avid golfer, probably play 4-5 times a week, shoot in the 70s, but out of now where I suddenly have a terribly case of the shanks!  I’m embarrassed to even go to the range when people our out there b/c its so bad.  God damn this is miserable.  How do I fix it.

Please help!
Avid Golfer,  28yr,  Jacksonville, FL

DUDE GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!  WTF!  Is no one seriously screening these questions?!?  I’m sorry dude, get your heebeegeebees out of here.  Your obviously a bad person to old people and animals so go reap what you sow.  SHIT!  I’m out after this one.

Feel free to email all questions for Bartender Bett to: firstandmonday@gmail.com or ask Bett

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