1722 – Peter the Great ends tax on beards
It is well known that throughout history the main role of any government is to nail the people as hard as they can. They best way to do this is through taxation. Early into his reign Russian Tsar Peter the Great looked to modernize his huge empire and make a little scratch along the way.
Capitalizing on the fact that most Russians, men and women, boasted lush thick facial hair that he detested Peter required any person sporting a beard to pay a follicle tax. After a few years Peter withdrew his beard tax, probably after bitching and moaning from Russian hipsters. Would a beard tax fly in today’s society? Probably not but it would certainly boost the economy for a month prior to Coachella.
1930 – Hostess introduces the Twinkie
11/16/2012 – NEVER FORGET. That’s the slogan that dominated mass media when Hostess announced it had filed bankruptcy and declared that the Twinkie was dead. For 82 years Americans found comfort in the long and smooth treat that exploded with sweet cream into their mouths. For a little less than a year fat ass Americans had to deal with the uncertainty of forever losing our favorite snack cake, always sure the next would be our last.
Fortunately Twinkie returned leaner, only 135 straight-to-your-ass calories, and meaner on December of 2013 and not a minute too soon. The days of main lining pure Colombian cane sugar and Mexican street whipped creme are now a thing of the past.
1937 – Happy Birthday Billy Dee Williams
Where exactly is Billy Dee Williams in the all-time cool celebrities list? Not sure but the man was both Lando Calrissian AND Gale Sayers. If there is anything cooler than a football playing space pirate that peddles Colt 45 its news to me. Happy Birthday Billy D!
1973 – American League implements designated hitter
Watching pitchers hit is the equivalent of watching an 80 year old couple have sex after they got a hold of some illegal Pakistani Viagra. Nobody wants to see that but we have to sit through it and hope someone hits a dinger or breaks a hip. The American League agreed on this date in 1973 and allowed a designated hitter to take the place of a pitcher and forever save us the trouble of seeing an excited hurler running bases in a team windbreaker.
National Caramel Popcorn Day
Popcorn is awesome, cheddar cheese popcorn is amazing, caramel popcorn is orgasmic. Put all three in a tin can separated by cardboard and you have a snack that a maize loving Indian chief would shed a tear over. Unfortunately science has yet to discover a way to grow corn already popped and caramelized but hey, making caramel popcorn is as easy as typing “HOW TO MAKE CARAMEL POPCORN” on youtube.