Chiefs 42 Patriots 27
We learned Alex Smith just isn’t going to let Mahomes have the starting spot. We learned that maybe ole’ Tom Brady should have ridden off into the sunset. Probably not, but watching him suck was entertaining.
Bills 21 Jets 12
We learned that Tyrod Taylor may have a future in this Buffalo offense. We also learned Josh McCown is still in the NFL. I guess his goal must be to play for every team.
Falcons 23 Bears 17
We learned that Atlanta better hope that was a Super Bowl hangover, because they should have lost to the Bears. We also learned the Bears miss smokin’ Jay.
Ravens 20 Bengals 0
We learned that the Ravens defense may be dialing up their past. We also learned that Andy Dalton is probably color blind and made the Ravens look better than they are.
Steelers 21 Browns 18
We learned that Antonio Brown is still the best WR in football. We learned that the Browns also picked up where the left off and gave up a blocked punt for a TD on their opening drive. They may have found a QB though.
Lions 35 Cardinals 23
We learned that Stafford is worth the money. We also learned it’s going to be a long year in Arizona. David Johnson is now out and Carson Palmer is terrible. Fear not women of Arizona, Tempebamafan is now single and on Bumble and Tinder. He’s the guy that totally doesn’t look like a serial killer.
Jaguars 29 Texans 7
We learned that the Jags are going to have a salty defense. We also learned that it’s going to be a long year in Houston unless Deshaun Watson can play and the line can start blocking. I wouldn’t bet on it.
Raiders 26 Titans 16
We learned that Oakland is still tough to beat when Derek Carr is healthy. We learned that, while the Titans have promise, they still have a ways to go.
Rams 46 Colts 9
We learned that Sean McVay may be just what Jared Goff and the Rams needed. We also learned that the Colts suck really bad, and Andrew Luck may be better off sitting out this year and letting them draft offensive linemen early and often.
Packers 17 Seahawks 9
We learned that the Packers have weapons everywhere and can spread it around. We also learned that the Seahawks better get some sort of run game, or they’re in trouble.
Panthers 23 49ers 3
We learned that the Panthers can still beat bad teams. We didn’t learn anything from the 49ers, besides the fact that they still suck.
Cowboys 19 Giants 3
We learned that Dallas is going to beat people like Zeke Elliott in the club. We also learned the Giants really need Odell Beckham Jr. back.
Vikings 29 Saints 19
We learned Sam Bradford may one day fulfill his upside. We also learned that it’s time for New Orleans to blow that roster up.
Broncos 24 Chargers 21
We learned that Denver is going to keep doing what they do and play great defense with bad quarterback play. We also learned that Philip Rivers still needs help.