Monday Morning Wood – 4/4/2016
Good morning. We trust you had a restful weekend, even if neither of the two Final Four games came down to the wire. Hell, both were blowouts, but we will get to that in a bit. Right about now, you are likely grabbing some coffee, if for no other reason than to kill a few extra minutes before Monday sets in. Realizing just how horribly annoying your coworkers are, you would probably love to walk right out the front door, or hit a few of them with a glass encrusted tire iron. Well, one solution is to tune them out and day dream of milf porn or places you would rather be. Come 2018, space may very well be a destination for tourists. This weekend, Blue Origin, a space tourism company (yes, apparently they exist), successfully completed the launch and vertical landing of one of its rockets, New Shepard. The rocket is named after Alan Shepard who was the first American to reach space in 1961. That year, Bobby Lewis’s “Tossin and Turnin” finished atop the Billboard 100 and Ray Charles released “Hit the Road Jack” (no doubt written in between releasing his seed on countless women with slight wrists).
Blue Origin isn’t the only company with space tourism on its radar; SpaceX and United Launch Alliance are also focused on the concept of building reusable rockets, in an effort to keep the cost down. In the interim, these companies are using their rockets to deliver cargo to space stations, simultaneously allowing for testing and lining their pockets in the process. We are certain those rockets will be loaded with men of little girth and large wallets, as soon as the space tours open up to “tourists.” Interestingly, a tourist is defined as someone who visits a place for pleasure (when you take the plunge in a chubby girl at 2AM, you would be a tourist), but space is simply defined as an area between two things/places, or an expanse beyond earth’s atmosphere. Thus, they won’t really be tourists; rather, they will be delusionally stupid, rich people.
Final Four We might as well highlight a few things on these two games, even if the ending scores said it all. For instance, Villanova showed up on fire and set a Final Four record for the largest margin of victory. They made an Oklahoma team, known for its defense, look like Swiss cheese. Basically, they shot lights out and never backed off the gas. The interesting thing is that their insane shooting percentage occurred on a court known for being stingy to shooters. If they can replicate their performance against UNC, we are in for an explosive game. Everyone has been scared to run with the Tar Heels, but ‘Nova (so long as they are shooting well) might just be one of the only teams not to shy away from trading offense. Then again, UNC is chock full of studs and has proven that they are really the team to beat as the tournament wore on. Be sure to check back for updates on the Championship game. Here is a link to our Final Four thoughts.
Are you fat? Well, if you are a fat fucker, there may still be hope for you without having a gastric bypass, or your stomach vacuumed. Scientists have found that a procedure used to treat severe stomach bleeding (bariatric artery embolization) is a minimally invasive procedure that has shown a strong causal link with weight loss. Basically, this procedure involves beads being placed in the gastric artery (ostensibly, with the purpose of stopping bleeding) and the gastric artery feeds the area of the stomach that produces a hormone called ghrelin. Ghrelin is associated with the stimulation of hunger. Thus, by restricting the flow, the theory is that fat asses are less hungry and lose weight. This is still under investigation by the nerds, but many believe it has many less complications than the traditional methods mentioned above. Now, maybe you will actually want to shut it down after your 35th breaded wing, instead of breaking the half-century mark.
Lesson of the day (for my daughter): Helen Keller was quoted as saying, “The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart.”
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