Mike Tyson turns 49

FirstandMonday.com celebrates the 49th birthday of Iron Mike


Iron Mike, has there been a more entertaining athlete in our lifetime? Many would point to Muhammad Ali, but I don’t recall Ali ever biting anyone’s ear off or threatening to eat an opponent’s children. In honor of Tyson’s 49th birthday, First and Monday decided to compile a list of our favorite Tyson quotes.

1. Mike Tyson on Sarah Palin, “Glen Rice is a wonderful man. He’s a wonderful guy, but you want her to be with somebody like [Dennis] Rodman getting up in there. Pushing her guts up in the back of her head!”

2. “It’s no doubt I’m going to win this fight and I feel confident about winning this fight. I normally don’t do interviews with women unless I fornicate with them. So you shouldn’t talk anymore… Unless you want to, you know.”

3. “March 16, Mike Tyson vs. Razor Ruddock, Razor Ruddock dies. If he doesn’t die, it doesn’t count. If he’s not dead, it doesn’t count.”

4. “I love to hit people, I love to. Most celebrities are afraid someone’s going to attack them. I want someone to attack me. No weapons. Just me and him. I like to beat men, and beat them bad.”

5. When asked by ESPN’s Jeremy Schaap, where he would go from here after losing to Lennox Lewis, Tyson responded, “I don’t know, man, I guess I’m gonna fade into Bolivian.”

6. “I’m a Muslim, but I think Jesus would have a drink with me. He would be cool. He would talk to me.”

7. “Anyone with a grain of sense would know that if I punched my wife I would rip her head off. It’s all lies. I have never laid a finger on her.”

8. “It was when I fought Robin in Steve Lott’s apartment. She really offended me and I went BAM. She flew backwards, hitting every wall in the apartment. That was the best punch I’ve ever thrown in my entire life.”

9. “Mr. Arthur Ashe, he was good. I read some of his books. He knew about everything, but he was real quiet and didn’t talk much. I never met him.”

10. “I think I’ll take a bath in his blood.”

11. “I’ve lived places these guys can’t defecate in.”

12. “Sometimes I put on a ski mask and dress in old clothes, go out on the streets and beg for quarters.”

13. “You can’t stay married in a situation where you are afraid to go to sleep in case your wife might cut your throat.”

14. “I’m not Mother Teresa, but I’m not Charles Manson, either.”

15. “Another thing that freaks me out is time. Time is like a book. You have a beginning, a middle and an end. It’s just a cycle.”

16. “I’m on Zoloft to keep from killing ya’ll.”

17. “They called me a ‘rapist’ and a ‘recluse’. I’m not a recluse.”

18. “I paid a worker at New York’s zoo to re-open it just for me and Robin. When we got to the gorilla cage there was one big Silverback gorilla there just bullying all the other gorillas. They were so powerful but their eyes were like an innocent infant. I offered the attendant $10,000 to open the cage and let me smash that silverback’s snotbox! He declined.”

19. “I wish one of you guys had kids so I could kick them in the fucking head or something, or stomp on their testicles so you can feel my pain. Cuz that’s the pain I have waking up everyday.”

20. “Lennox Lewis, I’m coming for you man. My style is impetuous. My defense is impregnable, and I’m just ferocious. I want your heart. I want to eat his children. Praise be to Allah!”

21. “Everyone has a plan ‘till they get punched in the mouth.”

22. “I always try to catch them right on the tip of the nose because I try to push the bone into the brain.”

23. “I hope I can improve. I’m far from perfect. Sometimes, I wonder what would happen if I fought myself. I think it would be a one-round KO. But if I was fighting myself, I know I could take my best punch. No, make that two rounds. I would knock myself out in two rounds.”

24. “My power is discombobutingly devastating, I could feel his muscle tissues collapse under my force. It’s ludicrous these mortals even attempt to enter my realm”

25. “I can sell out Madison Square Garden masturbating.”

26. “There’s no one perfect. Jimmy Swaggart is a lascivious creature, Mike Tyson is lascivious, but we’re not criminally, at least I’m not, criminally lascivious. You know what I mean. I may like to fornicate more than other people, it’s just who I am. I sacrifice so much of my life, can I at least get laid? I mean, I been robbed of most of my money, can I at least get a blowjob without the people wanting to harass me and wanting to throw me in jail?”

27. “You guys have written so much bad stuff about me I can’t remember the last time I fucked a decent woman. I have to go with strippers and ‘ho’s’ and bitches because you put that image on me.”

28. “I don’t want to be grotesque, but when you’re 330 pounds, it’s hard to wipe your ass. You know?”

29. I was in handcuffs. I was under arrest. I remember there was this old lady looking at me, and I could tell she felt real sorry for me, and she didn’t know but all I wanted to do was take her purse.”

30. “One morning I woke up and found my favorite pigeon, Julius, had died. I was devastated. I was gonna use his crate as my stickball bat to honor him. I left the crate on my stoop and went inside to get something and I returned to see the sanitation man put the crate into the crusher. I rushed him and caught him flush on the temple with a titanic right hand. He was out cold, convulsing on the floor like some infantile retard.”

Happy Birthday, Champ!


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