First off, we at FirstAndMonday want to clarify a huge misconception: the kitchen is no longer the woman’s realm. This is 2016 gents; chivalry is a fetid corpse, misogyny limited to the uber-rich, and the average age of marriage is pushing 30. Thus, there are a whole bunch of dudes that need to eat, and without the help of their very own Betty Crocker.
So to help the starving male masses, we are putting together a comprehensive list of items every Tom, Dick and Harry needs in their own kitchen to crank out delicious, man-friendly, meaty meals. Now we’ll leave out some obvious answers – beer, hooch, bottle openers, hunks of animal meat, gimlets, and a stove, as well as some we just do not jive with – microwave (did your great grandpa need to scramble atoms to heat his grits?), oven mitts (they’re just blisters you wuss), and wine glasses (second line of a red solo cup, fin). Yet all in all we’ll help you assemble a kitchen capable of churning out the finest in carnivore cuisine, with some mean ass cornbread on the side.
Bacon – But, but, but, you said no animal hunks! Yeah, and we meant roasts. Bacon is not just a delicious mean in it’s own right, but an imperative flavoring item and filling for stuffed meats. We are not including this because, like mustaches, bacon is really cool these days. Bacon has always been cool, and more importantly fucking delicious. It’s great in small quantities to add an essense of pig gut, as well as an important filler to awe-inspiring dishes like beef rouladen. Most importantly though, it’s the best side to five eggs and a crucial element to the BLB sandwich (bacon loaded bread, GTFO with that lettuce and tomato).
Butcher’s Twine – This should be in everyone’s kitchen, not just a man’s abode. What would the aforementioned beef rouladen or a good braciole be if unbound? A heaping mess, that’s what (we’d still eat it). Also, please do not suggest toothpicks. It’s impossible to eat a meat bundle in one bite when living in fear of a pierced stomach. It’s also invaluable for binding other meats in preparation for the grill or oven. Beef Wellington a comin’? Not if you cannot restrain that heaping meat log. Want to make a crown roast? You better find a circular cow or hope the butcher can tie one up real nice, because otherwise you are pretty SOL. Butcher’s twine is the latter’s tool of the trade, and for good reason – nothing ties up meat like it, except maybe guys into self mutilation.
Kosher Salt – Kosher Salt, or sea salt in a pinch, is Yahweh’s gift to steaks and other meats. Dash of that crystalline goodness, few cracks of peppercorns, and you got yourself all that’s needed for some prime beef action. It’s also indispensable as a substitute for poor salt, outside of perhaps baking [LOLOLOLOL]. Imagine a whole chicken cooked in a heaping mound of grill baked salt, inside of which the poultry cooks to perfection yet retains all that valuable moisture. Maybe visualize a delicious, perfectly pink yet crusted Rib-eye. Well guess what. These meat dreams are brought to you by Kosher salt. Moses just didn’t part the Red Sea, he dried that bitch and sold us the best damn Na in the world for everyday meat ownage.
Tenderizing hammer – AKA the Meat Hammer or Meat Mallet, this pornstar sounding implement does like any good Gonzo film and pounds it out. Do not touch your prime cuts with this victory piece, but should you need a round steak, cutlet, meat roll or breaded chop, the tenderizer is imperative. Again, rouladen and braciole are potential victims to this tool, but a breaded pork tenderloin or pork sammich are also courtesy of the meat hammer. You can buy stamp like tenderizers or some gadget off As Seen on TV, but why? Nothing beats a hammer, literally, for also fending of intruders cornered in the kitchen. Pretty sure a Soprano’s covers death by meat mallet, if not they missed their chance at Satriale’s Pork Store.
BBQ Rub – Okay, we preface this by saying you should be making your own by the age of 12, but we’re not here to judge. Salvage yourself now by going out and getting a good one. Stubb’s, Old Ray’s, Salt Lick, or hell, even Famous Dave’s… just get something. We’re very partial to the Texas style, as their BBQ leans toward the seasoning over sauce, but whatever floats your Lund. The BBQ rub is not just for ribs, loins, legs, briskets and such, it’s also crucial to other grilling needs. Imagine a BBQ stuffed meatloaf. We did, and you best be rubbing that bitch out. We’ve added it to bacon for our bacon wrapped jalapeños, tossed it in baked beans or eggs, and a Grilled Onion and BBQ burger is amazing. Just trust us here Yank, it’s a must.
Salted Butter – If you’re a cake or cookie baker you need unsalted, and that’s cool and all, again we don’t judge, but LOLOLOLOL. Anyway, salted butter is an ingredient you just need. Grits, cornbread, scrambled eggs, a buttered Italian meat sauce, garlic butter, a baked potato, or heck, just slathered on a loaf – it’s necessary. We find ourselves making most things better with butter, and find the better quality butter the better the buttering. If you don’t understand what we said, it’s okay, just got get good butter and use it for most everything, even as a cure for Hep.
Cast Iron skillet – Country and Southern folk need not be told this one, but to the educated world… listen up. The cast iron skillet is perhaps the most crucial implement in a good fatty, meaty kitchen. Fried chicken, oven-cooked bacon, Italian sausage and peppers, the aforementioned cornbread and salt encrusted chicken, or heck, even a steak – all these are results of proper cast-iron usage. It can go on the stove top, in the oven or on a grill. We’ve even used it over a campfire grate – it’s the Jeff Reboulet of cookware. Lodge brand skillets are everywhere, and you can get them relatively cheap. Also, you need to season it properly and keep it maintained. Google seasoning a skillet, or just click meow. If you are lucky, grand-mammy left you the seventy-year seasoned family skillet.
Garlic – Not sure how to explain this one, as in our minds it’s a given, but garlic is essential to life. Crushed, minced, sliced, roasted or raw [fucking vampires], we use garlic all the time. Making a garlic ham – crush and smear, making a leg o’ lamb – pack every hole with a clove, making a meat sauce – slice it with razor blades. Italians, Cajuns, Chinese or Mexicans all agree though that regardless of cuisine, it’s delicious. However you decide to eat garlic is your prerogative, just eat it. It makes you a better person, and per Garlique is good for the heart.
Knife Sharpener – Not every man can afford the finest kitchen blades, nor knows an annoying college grad selling Cutco knives, but we can all sharpen whatever we do have to a nice edge. So when you buy knives, or inherit them from a dead relative, ensure you get a sturdy knife sharpener. Make Bill the Butcher proud as you risk self-evisceration and learn the form and process of sharpening your own cutlery. You can impress the lady friend with a few swipes across the ridged tool, kinda like cracking an egg one handed, and in the end still have a great self-defense tool if her husband followed the two of you. While all knives are not made alike, you can sure sharpen the shit out of whatever you get your mitts on.
Wooden cutting board (minimum 12″ x 18″) – Well, you got your knives, sharpener and a giant piece of animal carcass, now just cut it on the proper surface. The granite salesman or real estate agent will insist the countertops are study enough to cut on, but you’ll just fuck up the blades you sharpened. Thus a cutting board is highly recommended, and make it wood in our opinion. Some cite bacteria and smells as a downfall of wood, but it’s called cleanliness people. We’re not frigging homeless or burdened with a gimp arm, we can properly clean our tools and have the elbow grease-ability to do so.
Steel Whisk – Whether flap jacks or beef gravy, cornbread or scrambled eggs, you are going to stir something, and aerate accordingly at times. Steel whisks are better than those weak rubberized versions, we don’t care what science may or may not say. We actually own numerous whisks, and beat it often…