FAM’s NFL Kings Of The Hill Week 1 Recap


NFL Kings Of The Hill Week 1 Recap

By JDuggernaut


A new NFL season is upon us, so it’s time to crown the current Kings of the Hill in the National Football League. Now, as you know if you’ve ever played King of the Hill, the first king will not necessarily be standing at the end of the game, but here you have the first week’s pecking order.

AFC East

Crown – The crown is covered by a hoodie.

What Happened – Bill Belichick and Tom Brady haven’t retired. So nothing else matters.

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This is one division that you can label as “Until Further Notice.” The Patriots still appear to be the Patriots, as they fended off a late rally from the Texans that made the 27-20 score appear closer than it should have been. Brady is still Brady, Gronk is still Gronk, and the Pats are still the standard in the AFC East. The Jets were perhaps the most surprising team in week one, as Sam Darnold and the J-E-T-S Jets, Jets, Jets thoroughly dominated the Detroit Lions once Darnold shook off a Brett Favre-esque pick 6 on his first career pass attempt to roll over the Lions 48-17. Miami outlasted Tennessee in the “Battle of the Bastards who don’t get nearly enough credit for running their franchises inefficiently since they always finish around .500” in the longest game ever since the merger, because of course these two teams would play a seven hour game that didn’t have enough highlights to fill a Super Bowl commercial. The Bills made their claim for the first pick of the 2019 NFL Draft, and it’s looking good so far. Nathan Peterman looked like Nathan Peterman as the Bills lost 47-3 in the worst performance of any team in the opener.


AFC North

Crown – The Three-Eyed Ravens are the Kings in the North.

What Happened – Nobody lost.

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Let’s get this out of the way, Baltimore dominated the Bills 47-3, and Cincinnati rallied in the fourth to handle the Colts with ease by a score of 34-23. Flacco looked good, Mixon was mixing it up with men, and they both took care of business. But nobody cares about Baltimore or Cincinnati. THE CLEVELAND BROWNS STARTED THE SEASON WITHOUT A LOSS!!! For the first time since 2004, the Dawg Pound has reason not to whimper in week one, as the Browns rallied back to fight the Pittsburgh Steelers to a 21-21 draw. They say that ties feel like kissing your sister. For Pittsburgh, it must have felt like kissing your identical twin sister, who is as manly as you are. For Cleveland, it must have felt like kissing your new stepsister who “models” on Instagram.


AFC South

The Crown – God doesn’t hate Jags as much anymore.

What Happened – Everyone who hasn’t recently had a public shooting over Madden in their city lost.

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Jacksonville is the only team in the South to have won in week one, but to be fair, they barely eeked by what was a three-win team last year, as they beat the New York Softball Giants 20-15. None of the other teams fared as well. The Texans gave it the old college try, losing to New England 27-20 in the return of JJ Watt and Deshaun Watson. The Colts got out to a strong start in Andrew Luck’s return, but they lost the game with the Bengals in the fourth quarter by a score of 34-23. The Tennessee Titans had to have one of the worst week ones in NFL history, as they played for over seven hours due to weather delays just to lose three of their best players (Marcus Mariota, Taylor Lewan and Delanie Walker) and a game against the Dolphins by the score of 27-20. This division could possibly prove to be one of the toughest, but based on what we saw in week one, it could continue to be one of the weakest.


AFC West

The Crown – Kansas City is still Royal.

What happened – The Chiefs beat the Chargers in a divisional matchup, the Broncos edged the Seahawks in the “Shade of their Former Selves” bowl, and Monday Night Football commentators went winless on the week.

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Patrick Maholmes and Tyreek Hill had the Walrus looking good as Kansas City beat divisional rivals San Diego 38-28 in a game that wasn’t as close as the scoreboard indicated. Von Miller carried the Broncos to victory over the Seahawks by a score of 27-24. Philip Rivers threw for enough yards to cross a narrow part of the Nile, but the Chargers fell to the aforementioned Chiefs, 38-28. Jon Gruden has not yet started earning his $100 million dollar contract, as the Raiders let the Rams pull away late in a 33-13 loss.


NFC East

The Crown – They came at the King, and they missed.

What happened – The Hunted beat a hunter, the Redskins beat a doormat and the Giants and Cowboys got moral victories.

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Not much has changed in this division. There are the defending Super Bowl Champion Philadelphia Eagles, and then there is everyone else. The Super Bowl MVP Nick Foles-led Eagles outlasted the Falcons 18-12 despite being plagued by injuries and suspensions, in what was basically the same game as last year’s NFC Divisional playoff game between the two teams. The Redskins looked pretty good in Alex Smith’s debut in a 24-6 drubbing of the Cardinals, but the Cardinals figure to be among the league’s worst teams. The Giants hung tough against Jacksonville in a 20-15 loss, with Saquon Barkley and Odell Beckham playing well, but the same fundamental problems seem to still plague them. The Cowboys looked like your father’s Cowboys, if your father is Dave Campo. Their 16-8 loss to Carolina would have made for a fun baseball game, but as far as football goes, it made you long for the weather delay in the Dolphins-Titans game.

NFC North

The Crown – For now, it rests on Danica Patrick’s nightstand.

What happened – Rodgers is a miracle away from sainthood, the Vikings still look good, the Bears choked, and the Lions partied like it’s 2009.

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Green Bay takes the crown for now, if for no other reason than the improbability of it all. Aaron Rodgers was carted off with what looked like a serious leg injury, only to come back to erase a 20 point deficit to lead the Packers back to a 24-23 win over the arch-rival Bears. The Vikings took care of business with their new QB Kirk Cousins in a 24-16 win over the 2018 “team that played okay last year once their season was over and got a bunch of hype” champion, San Francisco. The Bears choked away the debut of FAM favorite Matt Nagy, who isn’t in Kansas City anymore, when Rodgers and the Pack stole victory out of the jaws of defeat. The Lions had the worst performance west of Buffalo, as Matt Patricia did his best Romeo Crennel impression in the 48-17 loss to the Jets.


NFC South

The Crown – It’s in the passenger seat of Jameis Winston’s uber, as he’s suspended from riding shotgun.

What Happened – The Bucs won a shootout over the Saints, the Panthers beat the Cowboys in a water-gun fight, and Steve Sarkisian needs to start drinking again.

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The Tampa Bay Buccaneers are one of the biggest surprises in week one, beating the Saints 48-40. Ryan Fitzpatrick looked like he was in a classroom instead of on the football field, as the game was only the second in NFL history to have two quarterbacks with over 400 yards and at least three passing touchdowns. Carolina and Cam Newton did just enough to earn a 16-8 win over the hapless Cowboys, so they have to rank second in the division in week one. The Saints would be third, as Drew Brees, Mike Thomas and Alvin Kamara performed up to their standards, but the defense looked like the “Let’s put a bounty on how many missed tackles we can have on Marshawn Lynch” defense of yesteryear. The Falcons rank last despite having lost to the best team anyone in the division played, simply because it’s painfully obvious they haven’t fixed any of last year’s issues, and now Keanu Neal is hurt.

NFC West

The Crown – Rams take it by default.

What happened – No one outside of the Rams won.

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The Los Angeles Rams got their “Dream Team” season off to a good start, beating the Raiders and Jon Gruden in his return by a score of 33-13. Seattle very well could have beaten Denver in the Mile High City had Von Miller not happened, but they ended up losing 27-24. Jimmy Garoppolo and the 49ers’ rally against the Vikings fell short in their 24-16 loss, and the Cardinals limped to a 24-6 loss against Washington despite the return of David Johnson.


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