January 6, 0000 – Three Wise Men visit Baby Jesus in Bethlehem, bring terrible gifts

We all know the story: Three Magi from the East are summoned to Bethlehem by a star who prophecy states will herald the birth of the Christ. These men, wisest in their kingdoms and perhaps even kings, travel from their homes and kneel before baby Jesus. There they bring him frankincense, myrrh and gold, bow and knelt some more, told Joseph the baby has his eyes while Mary nervously looked around, pet the donkey and left.

It’s always a perilous task buying gifts for a baby you have never met. Regardless, for being “Wise Men” the Magi really dropped the ball. Frankincense is a fancy name for incense. You are implying that baby Jesus will grow up to be a long haired dope smoking teenager needing to light some up to hide the stench of sweet sweet ganja from Joseph. Myrrh is a resin used as perfume in the ancient days. Congrats Balthazar, you just gave the newborn Son of God Axe body spray. Gold, well gold is always welcome specially when you live in a barn surrounded by farm animals.

I’m sure the Jesus and Co. were very grateful for the Magi’s gifts, and I’m sure they saved all of the gold so later in life Jesus didn’t have to walk everywhere and hang out with fishermen. Besides, it was better than the gift from that cheap ass little drummer boy.

Santa isn't the only Christian figure that terrifies children.
Santa isn’t the only Christian figure that terrifies children.