January 30, 1661 – The British Execute Oliver Cromwell’s Three Year Dead Corpse

Oliver_Cromwell_by_Samuel_Cooper
Rest in pe…..NOT SO FAST MY FRIEND.

Oliver Cromwell was kind of an asshole. So much so that in 1661, three years after he died, the good people of England decided to dig up his carcass so they could throw it into a pit, hang it from chains and behead it. The rotting head was then displayed from Westminster Abbey in what we can only assume was an attempt to dissuade zombies from running roughshod.

Sure it sounds silly to most. It’s like flushing your toilet over and over after a violent bowel movement in order to spite a turd. Fecal matter doesn’t feel pain or emotional distress and neither did Cromwell’s long dead body. The people of 16th century England knew this but one must understand, they REALLY hated Cromwell. The following is a list of groups that hated Cromwell along with their level of anger:

The royal family – Cromwell and his cronies overthrew and beheaded Charles I ending a few hundred years of rule. Anger level: Really Mad

The Irish – As leader of Parliament Cromwell ruthlessly brought Ireland to it’s knees in a long and bloody war. He set siege to villages, killed thousands and confiscated land. Anger level: Really Mad

The Pope – A Puritan, Cromwell persecuted and expelled Catholics from the Commonwealth. These are the people that pay for the popes fly ass capes and gold scepters. Anger level: Kinda Mad

The Scottish – The Scots attempted to restore Charles II and where eventually brought into the Commonwealth with less savagery then their skirt wearing cousins the Irish thanks to their Presbyterian inclination. Anger Level: Kinda mad but hey, what are you gonna do about it?

The common folk – These people tend to live in filth regardless of who’s in charge. Anger Level: Meh Mad

The French – There’s a good chance Louis XIV was sitting in Marseilles picking out his garter belt while he thought “Sacrebleu, who chops off a Kings head? The British that’s who. Good thing my people love their kings.”. Anger Level: I ain’t even mad.