How to Eat on Inauguration Day: A Motivation for Both Parties

by John Snarks

This Inauguration day, unless you are a red-eyed liberal on a hunger strike or poor soul in need that cannot find food, you will eat. If you are a typical American, you probably sweat Crisco, and need to eat a great deal of said food. However on Inauguration Day, what you eat can mean a bit more than just clogging arteries and causing diabetes.

Conservative or liberal, Republican or Democrat, black or white: All Americans can agree on hot dogs. (Kosher and halal)

If you are a Democrat, anti-Trump person from the Right, or curious quirk like Sanders holdouts and Libertarians, you might still be harboring a bit of resentment against Donald Trump, the angry hordes that flew to him like Stars and Bars tinged moths to a flame, and the media that led you astray into the most embarrassing, shocking, and upheaval causing election since the nineteenth century. Most of all, if still-seething, you are probably just mad at the world/yourself.

It’s okay though, this is not the end of the world (at least yet), and you can still make a statement. Don’t spend a dime on Inauguration Day. Pre-buy necessary items (if you can remember between sobs and joint hits, and/or afford it). Don’t eat-out, take-out, or buy a single soy latte. Or take it to the extreme: Don’t use electricity, data, anything.

Shut down.

Let “the Cheeto” see Americans won’t be a part of his shenanigans. Go for a walk, hike, bike ride, or cry in a closet eating old Christmas chocolates while waiting for the “Trumpanzees” to rip you limb from limb when Don Donald gives the command to send those who oppose him to camps. Just don’t give to Trump’s America for one day.

Nothing is more American than ironically eating a taco bowl on Cinco de Mayo

When you do eat, make sure it’s a company that supports your causes. Like no dolphin nets, green energy and stuff like that, or supporting your very own, very poor African coffee farmer. Granolas and various soy bars, Ben & Jerry’s, almond milk, all sorts of really fucking nasty foods. Or just binge eat the worst possible foods and cry, that option is still on the table.

If you are a raving, raging, ready to party Trump supporter (and SINCE DAY ONE LIBTARDS!), Friday is your day. Alas, the Time of Trump has come to the real Christian ‘Merica, and shit we are doomed. However, prognostications from the author that hates everyone aside, YOLO, anything’s better than the Kenyan, am I doing it right?

Either way, Roxie, Jed, Rusty, Barbie, Briton, Buzz, Clorvis and Reince, your desire to be known as the “deplorable” half is irrelevant at this point (wouldn’t you just want to say, “Nope, not one of those fucking weirdos”?). You are the damn champs. Relish this. Literally, add some sort of relish to something tasty as hell, buy it on Friday, and get your party popping. There’s a pretty good chance this is only a four year party, so get crunk.

Your main goal should be to eat shitloads of American products, or foods bought from American restaurants on Inauguration Day, and just keep doing this all day. Fifteen courses is a good start for Breakfast/Brunch/Lunch, and tack on another fifteen between supper/dinner/dessert. You very well might die, because your’re old, a Redneck, or just really mad from eight years of a black dude as POTUS and close to a coronary from stress; but again, YOLO folks.

MAGA personified

The point is just to spend, spend, spend, and shower Trump’s America with money. Make America Great Again from day one. A shower of gold might be more apropos, but let’s just assume you won’t get that joke because I used the world “apropos” in it… Anyhoo, Make it rain economically. Maybe you can take it to the extreme. Buy a load of guns and ammo, a truck, a new yard of rope, or some Liberal Tears mugs and a “Insider” scrip to Breitbart. Go nuts you crazy dog you.

So you might not be at the Deploraball with a bunch of faux-Christians and sociopaths, or marching on Washington with some anarchist burn-outs and a cat lady in a knit hat, but you can still party, protest, and eat.

Make a point with your gut America.

Based on stats, you’re probably obese or trending towards an inability to see your water-filled toes. so a pretty big impact can be made with that gut. I’ll be laughing at all you politicos, watching some Netflix, and hoping the end just comes quick, because this country is a mess. It’s great, and will always be great, but the people that fill it sure know how to piss the proverbial pool. This is why we can’t have nice things.

Until the end comes via a Twitter war, I’m always hear to let you know just how bad you’ve made the rest of our lives.

Sincerely, and with tough love,