Grow The F#&K Up: Food Adults Shouldn’t Eat

By Rick Wakefield

We live in an age where food cannot be consumed before being photographed and displayed on social media to be judged by the brainless masses. Well guess what, you HAVE been judged and the vast majority have been found guilty of eating like a picky booger eating child who still pisses their pants during recess. There is redemption though, just steer clear of the following foods:

Double Stuffed Oreos

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Oreos are fantastic and extremely versatile but what kind of gluttonous sack of shit really needs a double helping of pure liquefied and re-hardened sugar between two chocolate wafers?

Chicken Fingers

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Chicken has suffered enough but we still think we need to tenderize it, deep fat fry it in batter and dunk it in BBQ sauce. Guess what pal, if you’re still eating chicken fingers as a middle aged person then you don’t even know what chicken taste like anymore.

Pickles

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Unless you’re trying to seduce someone there is no reason to eat an entire pickle just on its own. This is a brine infused condiment for Christ’s sake, you wouldn’t dump soy sauce down your throat would you?

Cheese Pizza

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Let me get this right: You’re going to take the time to put in an order, have some poor bastard drive out to your shanty and bring it to you, then you pay the man and there is not going to be any meat on it, just cheese and sauce? That’s so inefficient that it makes the Obamacare look like a successful Japanese sex toy factory.

Novelty Shaped Soup

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Learning is great but a grown adult doesn’t, or shouldn’t, need to brush up on their spelling while enjoying a bowl of soup. Unless you broke your jaw fist-fighting other drunken men outside a hilariously named bar like Filthy Bob’s Beer and Half Chewed Peanuts, steer clear of soup with noodles shaped like Sponge Bob Squarepants.

Glass Of Milk With Dinner

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Studies have shown that human adults gain no nutritional advantage by drinking milk. In fact, drinking cows milk after your developmental stage is more likely to harm you than help you grow as tall as your hero the horribly deformed George Muresan. For the sake of your digestive system and dignity, stay away from milk.

Plain Burgers

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You want a plain burger? How about you cook up a delicious 5 pound meat loaf and eat it with some bread instead. Or maybe you can order a burger with the works, throw in some double stuffed oreos, a pickle, some chicken strips and a mini cheese pizza with a side of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle soup and a tall, cold glass of milk and take a picture of it so you can post it on instagram so your aunt in Terre Haute can say “Oh wow, my little bubby wubby eats so well for a 35 year old balding alcoholic”.

 

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