FRIDAY THE 13TH…SORT OF

Today is Friday the 13th.  Our good friend Wikipedia talks about the fear of the number 13, blah blah blah. Yet we at FirstAndMonday know the real reason today is feared and loathed by souls around the world… and his name is Jason Voorhees.  Voorhees has haunted our dreams since his debut in 1980, while simultaneously terrorizing camp counselors at Crystal Lake by merely chasing down his prey with a machete.

However we have learned, through unprecedented investigative reporting, that Jason Voorhees has lived with depression most of his life because of his immediate type-casting after his break out role.  So feeling his pain and wanting to get on his good side, FirstAndMonday dropped Mr. Voorhees into various Romantic Comdedies as a sort of “what might have been”.  We hope you, and more importantly Jason, enjoys.

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First up Jason is the third wheel in Wedding Slashers.  How much funnier would the movie have been with dialogue between the ad libbing Vince Vaughn and Voorhees?  Comedic gold I say.  Oh, and the killing that would have followed the wedding season debauchery would have been legendary.

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Picture this, Jason waking up on the couch every morning with Bill Murray in Groundhog Day and stabbing the alarm radio with his rusty machete upon the same old sounds emanating each and every morning.  Then the two set off on a mass murdering spree ending with Voorhees taking the ground hog as a pet back to Crystal Lake.

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Jason Voorhees meets the once beautiful (now botoxed) Meg Ryan at the top of the Empire State Building after various correspondents via inscriptions on dead bodies shipped across the U.S. via Fed Ex.  Ryan steps off the elevator to a observation deck littered with dead bodies, and rushes to his arms… only to be tossed to the street below by the ever-killing Jason.  Well played Voorhees, well played.

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“SHOW ME THE MONEY!!”  NO!  Show me your machete!  In this film, Jason could have starred as Jerry McGuire’s assistant.  What athlete can turn down the services of Mr. McGuire with his machete wielding assistant there to chop you to bits if you say no?

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Leaning over the counter of John Cusack’s High Fidelity is the ax wielding Jason.  He’s most likely looking for the Rush album Permanent Waves, which was released in 1980.  Will Mr. Cusack have the album?  If not, will Jason kill all involved, and end up killing the mayor of New York, while leaving town headed to Canada to then kill Geddy Lee, the lead singer of Rush?

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You think Jason Voorhees could hit a curveball?  Well, in this edition of Bull Durham, we would have found out.  But I’m not sure a machete is the way to go.  One thing is for certain, the legendary Crash Davis would have talked Jason into one of two things:  1) striking out or 2) killing Nuke LaLoosh.  I highly doubt you would want to strike him out, so maybe Crash Davis has trolled us all.

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How Stella Got Her Groove Back? Fleeing. Stella is putting the moves on an unsuspecting Voorhees.  Jason just wants to kill and not be bothered by some cougar wanting a good time but Jason can’t shake the advances of the overly aggressive Stella.  The good news for us all is that once Jason gives in to the come-ons of Stella, he is most likely going to wear her skin as leather gloves for his next victims.

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Get Jason To The Greek, or else.  I don’t think Jason plays any instruments, but if he did, I am sure he would “shred” it.  Get it?  Oh well.  I don’t think it would have been hard for Jason to kill the annoying Jonah Hill.  He was fat at the time and Jason would have walked him down in no time.  It would have been infinitely harder to kill Russell Brand.  He was jacked up on coke most of the film and he never shuts up long enough for Jason to strike.

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We put Jason back in Manhattan, and apparently in the running for some sort of political office, when he meets Jenny from the block.  Unaware that Jason is a serial killer, even with his ragged clothing and bloody mask, Jenny from the block falls in love.  Jason leads her on until he gets what he wants, and then kills everyone in the hotel and drinks coffee in the cafe next door.

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The first selfie?  Jason sort of likes selfies, even though he’d hate to admit it.  What he didn’t like, and most likely why he pushed Thelma and Louise’ car over that cliff, is because of how long it took to have a selfie developed back then.  How do you know your selfie is good enough to mail to all your friends via the United States Postal Service with a caption “LYLAS”?  You didn’t, and once the selfie was developed, Jason was likely unhappy that it made him look fat.  So he killed Thelma and Louise.

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Hello to you Mr Voorhe-ees, all of us are scared to death.  Woah woah woah.  Black and white Jason is even more terrifying than color Jason.  I can’t imagine what the world was like back then when everything was black and white.  I’m so glad America invented color in the 60’s and now the world isn’t so drab.

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When Jason Met Harry and Sally, things go stabby.  I don’t necessarily think Jason was supposed to be part of this film.  I’m pretty sure he was just an extra, but when Meg Ryan (apparently the queen of romantic comedies) gave her orgasm scene in the restaurant, he just had to get involved.  I don’t blame him at all.  I would have hit on her too at that time.  Looking back though, Jason probably should have just killed her then.

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And last but not least, Jason stars in whatever the heck the name of this movie is.  Like I would know.  What I do know is that this movie is apparently popular and Anna Kendrick is pretty hot.  Jason can indeed sing, we think.  Anyone that has saved his vocal cords so well must have a well preserved set of pipes.  He could have been the baritone the group was missing.  And you should see Jason Voorhees dance.  The problem is he probably would have killed them all one by one after the finale.

So there you have it.  Have another romantic comedy Jason would have loved?  Talk about it here on our free forum!