Fight to the Death I


Name: Ernesto Ponce De Leon Buenrostro

Hometown: Gomez Palacio, Durango, Mexico

Height: 172.5cm (5’8″)

Weight: 97.52 kg (215 lbs)

Style: Caballero (Gentleman)

Record: 175-2

Finishing Move: Flying Face Stomp

Favorite Animal: Chupacabra

Bio: Ernesto Ponce De Leon Buenrostro was born into a well-to-do family in the northern Mexican state of Durango. The son of a cattleman, Buenrostro never lacked for anything except a constant need to feel the bones of another man breaking in his own hands. Early in his fighting career Buenrostro was forced to fight as the masked avenger called “El Chupacabra Galactico” to protect his identity as heir to the state’s largest cattle and domesticated coyote ranch. Sort of like Bruce Wayne with less gadgets, but with better facial hair.

Eventually his fame became too much to conceal and this Buenrostro unmasked himself to the delight of the local peasantry. Buenrostro’s feats of strength and undefeated record soon reached the tequila soaked ears of General Pancho Villa himself. Villa offered Buenrostro the fight of his life against his very own hulking body guard, Gonzalo “Manos de Piedra” Sanchez. The fight would be a co-main event at Chihuahua’s Plaza de Toros along with an actual bullfight, at the same time. After 26 rounds, five bulls lay dead along with Sanchez. Villa himself only witnessed the first 15 rounds before the tequila took him, but true to his word he awarded Buenrostro with 200 head of cattle and the pick of his hacienda’s finest senoritas.

Buenrostro would go on to become the Mexican, Central American, and – after a six hour match with Sam Houston’s grandson Jeb Houston – Texas champion, in gentlemanly brawling.



Avoid the Meathooks
Avoid the Meathooks

Name: Karol “Porkloin” Kutepov

Hometown: Kharkiv, Kharkiv Oblast, Ukraine

Height: 185.5 cm (6’1″)

Weight: 111.13 kg (245 lbs)

Style: Vodka-infused Freestyle Wrestling

Record: 451-6

Finishing Move: Triangle Choke

Favorite Animal: Bear

Bio: Little is known about Karol Kutepov’s early life, except that he survived his first 13 years on the streets of Kharkiv, fending for himself by fighting other homeless for the scraps behind a local butcher. At age six he commanded the dank back alley and a small legion of street children, reigning with a brutal fist and often killing men 9 times his age over scraps of pork and beef. By age ten he began pillaging the butcher itself, scaring off local Russian magistrates as their reign collapsed and they outright feared the man-child.

In a plea, the butcher took to sponsoring Karol in paid fights, which actually meant he just paid for Kutepov to feast on the finest cuts of pork, imbibe the best vodkas, and occasionally shatter a man’s femur with a knee to the leg. “Porkloin” as he came to be known on the international fight scene, dominated his opponents, losing only via forfeitures due to intoxication. His partying, and creation of a dish while fighting in London (“the Pork Wellington”), earned him accolades as well as an apropos nickname. His signature kill came via the Triangle Choke, using his 33 inch thighs to snap the necks of opponents that mistook the sleeping bear for just a drunken fool with some balls.

Beyond the realm of human fighting, Kutepov mastered the ancient Russian art and pastime of bear fighting. He holds the Russian record for largest bear submitted, a Kamchatka brown at 1400 lbs, taken down via knockout (headbutt). He’s twice defeated drunken bears while drunk, but little records exist of those fights outside of vomit-covered scribbling.

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