Fatty Has to Eat: McDonald’s Bacon Habanero Ranch Quarter Pounder

“My bun was harder than Peter North on Viagra.”

Yes, I had a bad experience with my recent visit to McDonald’s.

I don’t hate McDonald’s, but I only eat it for lunch about twice a year. I enjoy their wings, fries, and ice cream. I had many a Big Macs in my day and have mild fond memories, like when my dad charged me “tax” and ate my fries. He taught me a valuable lesson: the government will always have a hand in your business, and your fried food intake.


This afternoon, I pulled up to McD’s and was only 1 car back to the order line – a near impossible scenario. I took my time and found the Bacon Habanero Quarter Pounder combo. I couldn’t turn it down. They had a lot of bacon options, but the Habanero topped this one off. All excited like a pre-pubesent teen with a clear view up-skirt, I got the combo and proceeded to the pay window. All is good. They asked the car in front to pull up and as soon as I get to the window and they bring his food in a bag to the window, like 10 seconds after he rolls away… hmmm. I wait and get my drink. Then they ask me to pull up … Cars are behind me … so okay. I pull up and can’t even get into a Clash of Clans game, before the food is ready. Excited I peel out of the parking lot like Vanilla Ice.

I find the delicious fries and have a few before I come to a stop and decide to remove the burger box. All excited, I touch the bun … It slides … the entire bun moved. Not just one part. The entire bun moved. It was going to be messy. I put it back down as the light turned green. I kept poking at the bun … It wouldn’t take a poke. It resisted as if it was a door of a castle being hit by a battering ram. Something was wrong.

I finally arrived back at my parking garage and decided I had to eat this standing up. I again reached and tried to bite the burger I failed. My big mouth could not contain the mobile solid bun.


At this point, the bun was done for. I couldn’t handle it anymore. I removed it and decided to test its flexibility. This was the result.


It snapped like George Costanza about being a rageaholic. Wow!!!! I decided that I would eat the remainder of my $7.50 lunch by hand (luckily, I had enough napkins). I ate the lettuce, then the tomato. When I got to the patty, I folded it in half and ate it.



This was my worst experience eating lunch since the food poisoning of 2011 at the all you can eat Indian buffet.

To be honest, the Habanero sauce was very tasty and spicy. I appreciated the heat. They brought it. The bun just killed my experience and I let McDonald’s know in the following email/complaint:

The bun on my burger was harder than Peter North on Viagra.

I opened my Bacon Habenero Quarter Pounder Box and began to retrieve the burger and the entire bun shifted. I readjusted my grip and confirmed that the sesame seed bun had been replaced with a piece of cardboard. Eventually, I lifted the meat patty, lettuce, tomato, bacon, and habenero sauce stuck between two pieces of round 1x4s called a burger, and brought it to my mouth. I attempted to take a bite. Notice the word attempted. I could not bite down on the “bun.” It wasn’t possible. I had to put the sandwich down.

I put it away and did not eat it again, until I was in a standing position. At that time, I confirmed how hard the bun was. I removed the top and pulled off the lettuce and placed it back on top of the tomato. I tried to bend the bun, and it snapped down the middle like a table when a WWE wrestler is slammed on top of it.

I then ate my burger by hand, the lettuce first, then the tomato. After the vegetables were done, I folded the meat in half and ate it. I then tossed the bottom bun like a Frisbee. It flew a solid 50 feet before hitting a wall. I inspected it and it was not damaged, besides my prior teeth marks.

Safe to say I was not pleased.


Ability to eat and drive:  3 of 10. Too sloppy, especially with the hard bun.
Flavor:  7 of 10.
Spiciness:  8 of 10 (better than some “hot” wingstop flavors)
Repeat order:  No. I will not venture back to this McD’s for months.


Calories:  610
Fat:   31g
Protein:  37g
Sodium:  1180 mg

At least I cut out 200 calories and 40 carbs in the bun, since I am a fatty and gotta eat, I am still pissed.