Like every other hard working, freedom loving, red blooded American I thoroughly enjoy one of our nations greatest passed times… getting completely wrecked on a golf course while betting my hard earned money. Not that it happens on purpose, initially, but we have all been there. You’re playing great, enjoying the afternoon, relaxing, sipping on a cold beer… then you lip out a two footer for a triple bogey on the second hole. Suddenly, there is no relaxing, the beer you were drinking turned into a triple vodka and whatever you found in your bag to mix it with, and the afternoon just became your own personal living hell, as you are two holes away from being white girl wasted. Well fear not my fellow drunk hacker b/c IM here to help conjure up your inner Walter Hagen to help you enjoy your current state of drooling and maybe even save you a couple bucks in your $2 Nassau (presuming you had any intention of paying it).
1. Do not make this any harder than it needs to be. Basically, keep it simple stupid. If your ball is resting behind a tree on the side of a creek, do not attempt a 230 yd hooded four iron fade stinger. If the golf god planets suddenly align and you miraculously hit the ball, the probability of taking a ricochet in the face off the tree and falling in the creek is greater than whatever the hell you planned in you’re drunk head, trust me, I have seen it happen…. twice.
2. Keep the lumber in the bag. I repeat… DO NOT HIT THE DIVER. If your tee shots are a little off the mark while sober, you’re going to be in a different area code after nine long island ice teas. At this point the three wood is your friend. Having a higher loft, your aborigine 90 yd boomerang slice will suddenly turn into what is commonly called a “fade”. You will find yourself not praying to the tree gods, every tee shot, to throw miraculously your scuffed up pinnacle into the middle of the fairway from 75 yds deep in the woods and suddenly you will be able to enjoy what is known in the golf world as “actually seeing your ball land”.
3. Ok listen, just b/c you’re talking broken Spanish you learned in 9th grade while you hit on the poor clueless stoned cart girl does not mean your Seve Ballesteros. In other words, we are not going to be taking 30 yd flop shots when we are four inches off the green. Putt the ball dummy. Actually any opportunity we have to putt it… PUTT IT! I do not care if your 20 yards from the green. If all you have is short grass in front of you… PUTT! You might feel like a bitch when you do it but how are you going to feel when you “fat” three straight shots then hit the poor stoned cart girl with the fourth one that you end up blading the shit out of? Say it with me…. “pppppuuuuuttttttttt itttttt”. Yeah you sound drunk actually.
4. Club down on your shots and swing smooth, just concentrate on making contact. Yeah yeah I know, it’s fun to pretend we are Paul Bunyan and attempt to carry our pitching wedge 180 yds uphill into the wind from a buried fairway bunker lie but in the sane world, to save your $2 on this hole and not get a hernia, go ahead and club down on this one Hank Aaron. While its has its time and place, every shot does not need to turn into a “dick measuring contest”.
5. Just have fun. Seriously listen to me…. you are not at work. You are not babysitting your kids while your wife goes shopping and buys a bunch of useless shit you do not need. You are not sitting in one of the three open Walmart lines with the other 87 people attempting to check while you hold a small freaking bag of cat food your wife said to grab on your way home from work. You on a golf course brother! Seriously, I cant stress this more. Enjoy it.
6. Relating to the above, as you enjoy your time losing the entire sleeve of pinnacles, before you make the turn, that your mother-in-law bought for you for fathers day, all I ask is to take care of the course. I really do not have a problem, when nature calls, with pissing all over god’s great creation every second you get and I actually encourage it if you see the stoned cart girl coming with hopes she will see your Weiner. Just do not tear up the place, be respectful, and tip the stoned chick because with any luck you might get invited to play again.