Drunk Dads’ Survival Guide To Trick or Treating

One of the great joys in life for every father is paying money for a costume your beloved child(ren) will wear once so you can take them door to door begging strangers and/or neighbors for candy. This year to add an extra kick to the balls for dads who just want to abuse alcohol after work instead of walking around the neighborhood, Halloween has fallen on a Monday. That’s right, you get to miss football and baseball as well! No Worries though, Firstandmonday.com is here with a survival guide to help dads make it through the devils birfday unscathed.

1 – Use modern technology, dumbass

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“Don’t eat those Tootsie Rolls kids, I gotta check them for syringes after this 3rd down.”

Almost any game, including Monday Night Football, is available on some sort of wireless device so bring along your cell phone or ipad to keep up with live action or at the very least some scores. If your game isn’t available through a mobile device then that means your favorite team isn’t worth broadcasting so don’t sweat it and enjoy time with your children instead of cheering for a NFC East team.

2 – Liqu or Treat

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Looks like baby just needs a little ice and cola and we’re all set to go.

Anything is tolerable while completely housed especially trick or treating. What was a mindless death march through the suburban wilderness is now a drunken adventure filled with monsters goblins and Iron Man, all thanks to a hidden bottle of high alcohol content spirits. SPIRITS! (Caution: Please don’t drink and trick or treat without the presence of another sober adult or child over the age of 12.)

3 – White Knight

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You hairless punks like throwing toilet paper? Better save some so you can stop your sinus from bleeding out after i get done with you. Happy Halloween!

There is a terrible moment in life when you realize you’re too old to trick or treat but too young to attend keggers with scantily clad young ladies called junior high. The rage from not having sugar or booze causes teens to lash out via pumpkin smashing, TPing and worse yet, candy snatching. Not on your watch, NOT TO YOUR KIDS.

4 – The Flash

That’s too bad kiddo, guess we’ll head back and catch the late Pac-12 game.

There is really no reason to be out and about for more than an hour. Get the kids ready by loading them up with water, to keep them hydrated of course. Hit the first house, take a drink from a water bottle. Next house, next hit. And so on and so on. An hour later the children will be begging to go back home and water the ivory stump.

5 – Fake heart discomfort

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Sorry no trick or treating for me, heart is acting up. Gotta sit at home and crush these wings and 12 pack.

You need to set this up a week or so before Halloween. Your left arm hurts. Have a hard time catching your breath. Vision is blurry. Obesity. High blood pressure. Erectile dysfunction. Bouts of blind rage towards elderly drivers. You know, pretend stuff.

6 – Trick or Treat sorority row

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Snickers bars for the kids, soiled panties for dad.

A wonderful way to combine something fun like trick or treating and education is with a trip to the nearest institution of higher learning. There is no better way for the little ones to be introduced to college life than by a visit to the ladies of Greek society who most likely will be already reveling in the festivities in tremendous outfits.

7 – Suck it up and have a good time

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The Master Blaster outfit is funnier with a dwarf but children work just was well.

One day when you’re old and your kids avoid your phone calls you’ll regret that you skipped out on Halloween, just so you could watch your team embarrass themselves on national television. Besides, this is the last chance you’ll ever get to dress up in a child/adult combo costume.