To the bewilderment of your drinking buddies and by the grace of pilgrims everywhere, you are reading this, and you’ve made it to another Thanksgiving. Now you seriously question if it was worth it as you load your 2.5 kids, a dog, a cat, some potato salad (to be left in the trunk till next spring), and enough luggage that you are taking back-roads to avoid weigh stations. So needless to say, here is your Thanksgiving survival guide:
1. Attempt to make it to your destination with 100% of the kids, 50% of the animals and the luggage containing your underwear.
2. Upon arrival do a quick inventory of your assets; those being the kids, animals, luggage, etc… as many will die or be lost from dysentery, Indian attacks or from my experience, attempting to forge a river. It is understood from the get go that not everyone/thing is going to make this 40 mile, 3 hour voyage. The odds are against you.
3. Once inventory is up to government standards, leave all that freaking shit in the car and pretend you forgot about it. This will give you an out later to escape a drunk cussing wife and kid’s begging for Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer on CBS.
4. Swill from bottle of scotch and go inside.
5. Say “hi” to people or whatever you want to say, honestly I don’t give a shit at this point and nor do they.
6. FIND DRUNK GRANDMA! This is imperative. Talk to her about stuff, as old people are interesting especially when they’ve been drinking since 9 AM. This also gives you the opportunity to make Grandma her Manhattans. One for her, and one for the doctor!
7. Get hammered with Drunk Grandma.
8. When Grandma passes out, offer help to your mom in the kitchen with whatever the hell she is cooking. If you time this right, you just go in there and stir the gravy and dip anything you find in the gravy and eat it. Win-win.
9. Eat dinner with family. Blah blah blah, your nephew won his spelling bee, your niece met some nice actor Mr. Marcus, and the economy sucks.
10. Attempt to avoid helping out with the dishes by hiding in the bathroom and pretend to be shitting. Stay in your hiding spot for at least 20 minutes or until the dishwasher starts. That generally means you are in the clear.
11. Sit down with family and talk about what you are thankful for this year. Also promise wife not to bring up politics around your liberal arts grad sister.
12. 30 seconds later enter into a cuss fight about politics with your liberal arts grad sister. She storms out, mom chases her, dad says “Thank god, I’m going to bed” while adjusting inappropriately in front of all, and in all the commotion Grandma wakes up from her wasted stupor wanting to sing Irish folk songs.
13. Oblige grandma by playing the 1997 hit by Oasis “About You Now,” while she begins to sing a combination of “Ole’ Danny Boy” and “Shenandoah”, mixing up the words, lyrics, tone and volume as she pleases.
14. Laugh as she passes out standing, steal her drink and laugh more.
15. Actually be thankful for the mess of a family you do possess, as who else could turn a bird’s day into such excitement.