Bett’s How To Make a Proper Egg Sandwich

First and foremost, if you don’t have the pleasure of buying fresh dairy eggs, I pity you.  Go ahead and succumb to big business, drive to your local big box egg store, and get them there.  I certainly recommend the former.

Okay, I’m going to do this somewhat fast, but you can pause and rewind at any time you need.

How To Make a Proper Egg Sandwich



1. Get your dairy fresh eggs (preferably, as discussed) and crack them… ONE HANDED!!!  This is important.  If you cook a chick some eggs in the morning, and she sees you fumbling around with the two-handed, side-of-bowl crack, you’ve already failed.  No chick wants to see the massive beast that blasted her into orgasmo-world grab a tiny egg with 2 hands and take a couple miss-strikes on a side of a mixing bowl, the shells falling in.  It’s pathetic.  Work on the “one-hand, egg crack-and-split.  I am serious.

2. When judging how many eggs you need to feed your party (you and the one night stand, your army of kids, or just your make-believe dog that hates you), figure an egg and a half per person and then add 20%.  This usually equals…  screw it.  Throw about 3 more eggs in.

3. Now… NOW, this is where half of you will fail.  Look to your right… now look to your left…. two of you will not pass this eggcellent course.

4. For those of you left, choose your spices. Whatever you prefer. Go wild, but heed my warning: EASY on the salt (we’ll get to that latter), and have your way with the black pepper.

5. Now go up into your attic and find the mixer.  When you realize you don’t even have it anymore, go to your neighbor’s house to borrow his.  Keep it.

6. Throw a HUGE tbsp of sour cream in our current egg mixture, and start mixing.  All the while melt butter in a non stick pan.  I like to keep it on high, although some cook on low.  My method is tricky, and takes years of perfecting to not to burn the egg.  I am an egg master.

7. The butter should be a nice golden yellow color, NOT BROWN, when you go ahead and “splash” the eggs into the middle of the butter.  Throw your cheese on. Cheddar does well, and i like to cut my own up off a block so i get that occasional big, cheddary bite.  Just experiment with your own cheese, and find your happy place.  Anyway, immediately turn the burner to low. You have to be the judge here.  Basically we’re looking for a immediate splash, and slight bubble, with the eggs still workable after a few minutes.

8. Get your girl to toast bread. Watch her carefully, as she’ll probably mess it up.

9. Keep your eyes on the eggs, and cut the flame.  If you’ve done it right, you’ll be able to completely remove from heat and leave them in pan while turning occasionally.

10. Your toast should be browned, but shouldn’t be crunchy. It should NOT break like a twig, but instead be somewhat pliable.

11. Get a butcher knife. REMEMBER, a chick is likely watching you. If you go for a little butter knife weenie thing, you are over buddy.  Fucking OVER.  A butcher… fucking… knife.  That knife also must have a name.  Preferably a Spanish name girl name, but a Southern girl name will also work.  No German names.

12. If you’ve done everything right, this sammich is salivating for you, so flaunt your bad-ass to the fridge and grab some mayonnaise. If the mayo in your fridge is low-fat, grab said butcher knife and fall on it.

13. Spread the mayo on the golden, toasty bread with the butcher knife.  EVENLY!  This you will find quite simple if you’ve made it thus far.  The spreading of the mayo, albeit easy, should take around 3-5 minutes per slice.  You become an artist, paint.  The mayo fills in the voids of the bread and tops of the subtle peaks most people can’t even see. There should be no… I repeat… absolutely NO globs hanging over on the crusts!

14. Evenly place a thin layer of our gourmet eggs on to the mayo prepared bread.  We need full surface coverage.

15. Put top piece of bread on the sandwich

16. Cut in half, forming triangles.  Serve with fresh orange juice, milk, or the “hair of the dog”.


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