April 30, 1945 – Hitler Commits Suicide

Mein Sharona!

Adolf Hitler was a real asshole all the way up to the end. Holed up in his Fuhrerbunker, the Fuhrer decided that blasting his peanut was a better option than giving the Allies the satisfaction of capturing the top Nazi. Most historians agree Adolf feared being dragged through the streets of Berlin and hanged like Mussolini weeks earlier. For Hitler, a well documented pansy, the idea of being painfully shamed in such a manner was unthinkable and decided a bullet to ze brain was a better option.

A day before Hitler split his own wig he decided to marry his long time companion Eva Braun, who also bit the bullet with Hitler. Could it be that the Fuhrer had second thoughts on his wedding night as he beheld Fraulein Braun sprawled before him in all her unshaven glory? Perhaps Hitler was the victim of the deadliest shotgun wedding in history. Or maybe Hitler and Braun had the romantic double suicide planned the whole time except the treacherous Hitler had Braun eat the bullet first while he replaced himself with a dead doppelganger next to Eva in the drainage ditch next to the Fuhrerbunker. Then it was a one way ticket to Argentina to live life as Senor Adolfo Hitlerzano.

Hitler died in a manner not satisfactory with his status as the 20th century’s worst criminal. As the man largely responsible for some of man’s worst atrocities, his most cowardly crime might have been taking his own life. Had he been captured, a speedy trial would have led to execution by hanging or perhaps even firing squad. Instead we are left with the doubt that Hitler even died that day, perhaps evading justice and dying an old man somewhere in South America. Or maybe one day of blissful marriage was enough torture for Hitler who decided that a bullet in the brain was better than hearing Eva Braun asking what he was thinking about one more time.