753 BC – Rome Founded By Romulus and Remus
For most Americans their hometowns origin usually involves Lewis & Clark, an old trading post that doubled as a brothel/saloon or simply the place where some pioneer was too drunk to stay on his covered wagon.
In Rome the story is that of twin babies Romulus and Remus, sons of a royal virgin maiden and the god Mars, who washed up on shore and where then suckled and protected by a she-wolf in what is now Rome. Rome would go on to become the worlds greatest empire and a beacon of art and culture that exists to this day. That’s what happens when you let the offspring of Olympians found your city instead of stealing it from Indians.
1918 – Red Baron Killed In Action
It’s unthinkable to even suggest that Maverick would have been shot down by a MiG in the final dogfight in the motion picture Top Gun. As shocked as we would have been to see Maverick shot out of the sky, multiply that by a trillion and you have the reaction by the German people when their golden boy, the Red Baron, was shot down and killed in battle during a WWI skirmish.
Besides achieving fame as the Great War’s deadliest pilot, Manfred von Richthofen really was a Baron in the von Richthofen Prussian aristocratic family. His nobility, dashing good looks and frozen pizza ingenuity captured not only the hearts and minds of the Prussian Empire but also the entire world. On this date in 1918 while flying over northern France von Richrhofen met his match in several Aussie fighters and anti-aircraft artillery. von Richrhofen was mortally wounded but still managed to land his trademark red Fokker Dr.I triplane in a field where he died shortly after, hilariously and ironically his last word allegedly being “Kaputt“.
Nearly 100 years later and more advancements in aerial technology that you could shake a circuit board at, the Red Baron remains a mythical figure in aviation. While today’s stoned youth may only know him as the mustachioed leather cap wearing man on their pizza box, the Red Baron was indeed one of the most skilled pilots to ever live. Sure the Baron flew and killed over 80 Allied pilots in the name of the Kaiser but his dominance in the air is undisputed. That and a golden crunchy crust, savory toppings, and premium cheeses at a reasonable price is something we can all get behind.
1947 – Happy Birthday Iggy Pop
Punk legend Iggy Pop is 68 today and it surprises absolutely no one. The Stooges front man has long been the fittest man in rock and roll even while bleeding himself on stage for over four decades. Sure, other legends like Rolling Stones duo Keith Richards and Mick Jagger are also going strong into their golden years, but they rely on a Mr. Burns like immune systems (So many diseases that they cancel each other out). Iggy Pop is a true medical anomaly along with the likes of Magic Johnson, Mama Boo Boo, Jared from Subway and Steve-o the idiot from Jackass. Happy Birthday Iggy!
1997 – Timothy Leary’s and Gene Roddenberry’s Ashes Shot Into Space
“Fly me to the moon
And let me play among the stars
Let me see what spring is like
On Jupiter and Mars”
Frank Sinatra’s crooning melody could have been the soundtrack to the burial at space of hippy Godfather, Timothy Leary, and the Godfather of all sci-fi nerds, Gene Roddenberry. For Roddenberry, his postmortem space adventure had to wait six years after his death while Leary only waited one year and, on this date in 1997, their remains where strapped into a Pegasus rocket and shot into space from the Canary Islands.
This non-traditional way of carcass disposal is actually fitting for both of these individuals. Roddenberry was a well know writer famous for creating the Star Trek franchise and a universe that entirely absorbed millions of fans , turning them into anti-social recluses that prefer discovering the mysteries of Vulcan culture than vaginal intercourse. That’s right, Roddenberry gave birth to the science fiction fan we know and feel sorry for today.
Timothy Leary himself actually never created anything like Roddenberry. While he may have written a few books filled with non-sense about “expanding’ your mind” and suggestions to “Tune in, turn on, and drop out, man”, Leary was more known as a social activist for the 60’s counterculture. Timothy Leary promoted the casual use of dangerous drugs like LSD and psychedelic mushrooms and that defying authority was cool and hip. Today we know that the drugs Leary claimed would solve the worlds problems actually destroy lives and tear entire societies apart suggesting that Leary and his hippie buddies didn’t have a clue what they where talking about.
The Pegasus rocket that carried Leary, Roddenberry and a few other millionaires remains into space orbited the earth for six years before burning up in the atmosphere. Roddenberry, who wrote of a future in which an all-encompassing Space Federation that ventured deep into space meeting species of aliens of which green voluptuous females could have sexual organs compatible enough for James T. Kirk to successfully mate with, came close to his dream of one day traveling the depths of space himself even if it was only in the form of soot. Leary on the other hand traveled through space, dimensions and brightly colored fields on a white unicorn several times during his career as a hippie sage so his final “trip” was more symbolic for the mindless drones that follow his teachings to this day.
National Kindergarten Day
If you think that college was the time of your life you are dead wrong, it was Kindergarten. What kindergarten lacked in the drunken fun times of keggers and unprotected sex it made up for it with hours on the monkey bars and nap time. Every aspect of Kindergarten dominates any other time of your life.
Milk and cookies > Your disgusting diet
The playground > Anywhere you go now
Imaginary friends > Real grown up friends
Pissing your pants > Pissing your pants as an adult
Not having a job > Having a job
Being 5 years old > Your decrepit middle aged fat ass