April 14, 1865 – Abraham Lincoln Shot At Ford’s Theater

“Sic semper tyrannis, homie!”

Can you imagine the uproar if President Trump was minding his own business watching Tooth Fairy 2 and Larry the Cable Guy crept up on him and put a slug through his stove top hat? That scenario wasn’t that far off as when actor and Confederate sympathizer John Wilkes Booth shot President Abraham Lincoln at the Ford’s Theater during a showing of Our American Cousin starring Booth himself.

Unfortunately for Honest Abe, the stars seemingly aligned against the Executive Branch that fateful day in the worst possible way. Besides having to sit with his frigid and looney wife through a play written by an Englishman that depicts Americans as uncultured and crude morons, Lincoln’s bodyguard that day was local policeman John Frederick Parker.  Well, Parker decided to hit the tavern next door for a drink instead of, you know, guarding bodies. All that was left for Booth was to walk behind Lincoln and shoot the president in the back of the skull at point blank range.

While Lincoln’s wound did not immediately kill him it did render his brain useless thus making the president a breathing corpse. Booth evaded capture for several days before he too was shot in the back of the head, thus ending his promising career as an actor and misguided revolutionary. Lincoln himself died the morning after and gave his presidency a cruel ending to what should have been a glorious final chapter to a presidency filled with war and strife. Like Lethal Weapon‘s Roger Murtaugh, Lincoln would have been “just a few damn days left to retirement” but too many mistakes where made. Lincoln never had a chance to enjoy the Union he helped preserve, never had a chance to see his children grow into men, never had a chance to say, “I’m getting to old for this shit.”