by Kenneth Dudley Nottingham
Attention my cousins to the South, and by the Grace of God. Stop, “y’all,” with the awful sweet tea. You are ruining a perfectly good beverage with all that excess nonsense, not to mention rotting teeth and packing on the poundage via unnecessary sugar. Now don’t take this in the wrong manner, I love the South. However your so called tea must be addressed. Let me, an elitist Yankee carpetbagging sonofabitch, show you the simple and easy steps to making good, pure, iced tea.
That’s right, just a picture of a pitcher. A choice glass pitcher is desired.
Tetley’s is my tea of choice. No my southern brethren, that is not Spanish, it’s British, and the currency is the British Pound. Yet I digress, add two or three bags depending on pitcher size and desired strength of brew.
I figure I need not explain how to boil water, and it’s tough in your native tongue. Thus, all you need to do is pour in boiling into the pitcher, about 3/4 to 4/5 full, and let it sit for 3-5 minutes depending on desired brew strength.
As easy as it gets good sir, just add ice. I’m stuck in what you consider a frozen, fat, barren wasteland, and can just reach off my window and chisel it off my igloo, however you might have to make or buy some. If you forgot the recipe, just go buy it, as I do not want to explain that as well. Either way, add ice to fill the pitcher almost completely.
After a few moments of a process scientists call “melting,” your tea is ready and waiting to be imbibed. Pour a glass and enjoy the sweet and simple, not sweetened, things in life.